Another December

As usual, this time of the year is the time for me to contemplate things that have happened in the last 12 months. Due to my awful memory, I usually started the annual routine by reading some blog posts that I have written - because that's what they are for - including what I wrote last December.

Last Year, I was even too scared to put "study abroad" as my resolution because it seemed impossible. Yet here I am, in the midst of freezing winter and breezy wind. Here I am, 9,157 miles away from home, getting a fresh start with everything, learning how to make it on my own. 

Do I miss home? Terribly. Do I struggle every day just to write a good enough 2000-word-essay? Undoubtedly. Do I find my self-efficacy deteriorates from time to time? Frequently. Do I regret coming here? Not in the slightest!

This year will  always be the one of the most significant years of my life. This year marks the first time for me to be thousands of miles away from my family. The first time for me to live as a minority. The first time for me to use English in academic setting, and surrounded by dozens of native speakers. The first time for me to be the only person that doesn't drink alcohol during dinner. The first time for me to enter a pub, because apparently it's the coziest place to sit and talk in the UK (most of the coffee shops are too small and closed early). The first time for me to travel into so many new places without my family. The first time for me to understand what it means to be free and responsible.

And this year, I learned that if I'm willing to step away from my comfort zone and try new things (even though I thought it's out of my league), something great will come. 

Next year will not be easier for me as I will do my final project. I'm worried and excited as usual, and I hope it will turn out fine. I'm not going to make resolutions since none of my last year's have achieved anyway (apart from pursuing another degree). All I want for next year is new experiences, and a strength for me to overcome any obstacles that I might face. I want to enjoy my days and ruminate less, I want to be happy, even happier than I currently am.

Thank you for this amazing year, dear Allah. You know I won't make it without Your tremendous amount of blessings. May I always be reminded to be grateful under any circumstances. I can't wait for more surprises from You, especially regarding the one baffling question that I have always wondered about, that irritates me a lot.

Thank you for making the impossible possible.

Travel Far Enough

"Travel far enough, you meet yourself." I don't remember where did I see that quote before, nor who wrote it. Back then, when I read it for the first time, I couldn't even relate to it. 

I've travelled far now, yet somehow I feel more lost than before. I've discovered a whole new world, met and interacted with people from a different world, and I fell in love with all the novelty. I was so sure at the beginning. I made a decision. 

My perspective became wider, and so does my dream. There are so many things that I do want to achieve.

I guess being alone and away from my significant others lead me to ruminate, frequently. I hate to be an over-thinker who worries to much, but I just can't help myself from doing it.

What is it that I really want? Am I after the wrong thing? Should I try something fun even though it will be a waste of time and money? Or should I be the same-old mature, boring girl? What should I do after this? Will any of my plan work out? Am I after the wrong thing? Do I really belong here? 

And then I open my Path, Facebook, or Instagram. And compare my worst self with other people's best. Covet things that have been concealed and edited.

"Allah has planned everything for you. He knows what's best for you. Why worry?"

Because what if I'm not good enough to deserve something good? What if?