farraas afiefah muhdiar

Sunday, January 19, 2014

About The Good, Old Days

I met my primary school mates today. It's been years since we last seen each other. I was not really close with most of them - especially the boys (because kids prefer to play with same-sex kids) - but we got along so easy because everything seems so familiar. I felt like I was being dragged back into my childhood.

Today was all about reminiscing the good old days, where everything seems so easy. The days when our biggest problem was how to get our crush's attention. The days when I don't have to work so hard in order to get what I want (like good grades). The days when we were imagining about the future, rather than planning for it.

Today, I have something to be thankful for: I remembered that my childhood was filled with happiness, with me being surrounded by good friends.

And I am thankful for realizing that I'm heading where I always wanted to be since I was a little girl. I hope I'm going there with the decent velocity.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Have a Little Faith!

My mom said that I'm always more mature than my chronological age. That's obviously not a bad thing, but it also means that I think a lot about things that should not bugging me in this age. I think too much about attaining my goals and about ways to tick my check-lists.

"You should not think about those things too much. You're still so young!" is probably one of the most common thing that people told me, whenever I start babbling about my apprehensions about tomorrow. A lot of people has told me about enjoying my "now" and have fun more. But I guess it's just part of who I am.

I'm occupied with dreams that I have. I'm enjoying my present, but I have doubts about my future, especially about those that are beyond my control - some dreams that seem unattainable. I'm the kind of person who makes herself ready for the worst-case-scenarios by imagining the worst thing that could happen, and even the idea of it scares me.

I usually have faith, but for some goals I don't know how to attain... I don't know. Will it makes me gullible to believe in something that seems irrational? Is it possible that Allah will grant my prayers and give me the best if I'm still far from good? And don't have what it takes to change?

On the other hand, I do believe that with His permission, anything could happen. Anything. I just have to wait patiently, and keep praying. Yet I might still feel insecure until I finally see the light.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Another resolution

This year is an impactful year for me. I've grown a lot from a year ago, I think.

It was all started when I finished my final project, my undergraduate thesis, in January. The last thing that will determine my graduation, as well as my grades. During that moment, I was all sad and excited. I was afraid to leave the place, the atmosphere, and the people I love.

I was also afraid to leave everything behind, and to start over. To start anew. Yet weeks beforehand, I had already been busy sending my resume to a few schools. Even though I felt really insecure about leaving university, I was also very excited to explore a new world, and to find a new comfort zone, although I know it will not be easy.

I then fell in love with a new world. A world of teaching special need students. Something that had never come to my mind even a year ago, yet now it has become something that I really love. I love how challenging it is, and how rewarding and fulfilling it feels.

Last year, I was so sure to continue my master's degree in 2013, and this year, I've learned about "delaying gratification". It's okay to have your goal postponed, if by delaying it you can do something that matters and will help you to attain your goal - at least that is what I had been telling myself to help me sleep at night. It's for the greater good.

This year, I've also learned about how to work with varied colleagues. Some I respect so much, although some has characteristics that I'm not really fond of.

And that's how I learned about adjustment and tolerance.

I wrote three major-to-do-list on my 2013 journal: Graduate in 3.5 year with GPA higher than 3.5, get a job that I am passionate about and live independently (financially), and continue a master's degree in Child Clinical Psychology Professional Degree. I've only accomplished two out of three, but I hope it no longer matters, because I have learned A LOT about special needs students and how to treat them right, and I've jumped to a conclusion that my knowledge is still limited. I do want to explore more.

And that's why, I have to go back to school next year. I really hope I can do it overseas, but going back to the university that always feels like home to me is also okay.

Pursuing further degree is going to be my major 2014 resolution, among other things, like learning how to swim and how to drive a car. I do not know whether there will be any surprises later, but I do wish my plan will no longer be postponed. Unleash He really has a way better plan for me.

Oh! I also want to continue my diet plan, and read more by spending less time on games and TV series. If that's possible.

Thank you for the wonderful year.

I hope 2014 will be my year, which can brings me closer to my dreams. And hopefully yours, too.

Monday, November 25, 2013

When?

When you are in your twenties and have graduated university, everyone around you suddenly talks about marriage and stuffs. Everybody starts asking the "when" questions, repeatedly. Everywhere.

It's not that I'm not interested with the topic. I am. Everyone in my circle probably know that I'm into young marriage. It's just.... Weird to have that conversation when you're in the phase when you feel lost and are not sure about your next move. It's a little weird and uncomfortable to always get questions that you can only answer with a smile or laugh upon your face, isn't it?

"Are you ready?" is even worse. Because it is a real question, unlike the "when?". I've received this question twice this week, both from people who are willing to take the next step if answer it with a yes. Two woman who got worried with my plan to get a master's degree abroad, while I'm still single.

And... I don't know. I thought it would be perfect to get married right after college, but somehow I don't want to get married with still having an "unfinished business". Who knows what will happen next? Who knows if I no longer have time to pursue my dream because I'm going to prioritize something else?

On the ther hand, delaying marriage could make it even harder for me to meet the right guy. It's sad, but true. I'm a girl. I live in a conservative country, and I'm a girl.

And it's really hard to answer these kind of questions and to make a plan when everything is so blurry and, well, blank and empty.

I am twenty. I'm at the beginning of the "mate-selection" and "settling down" phase. I'm also in a point where I get enthusiastic to build a career and to pursue my dreams and education. Twenty-something is the age when we are gullible enough to think that we can rule the world and be anything that we want.

I just want to be happy in whatever path I choose to go through first. And I still want to excell in both. Realistic or not, I guess it depends on how far will I go to make it true.

"Are you ready?"

"How can I be ready to start a family and to take care of someone else, when I'm still not finished with myself?"