To Be A Shade Lighter

As someone with a religious upbringing, living far away from home in a secular, free country is not that easy. Being surrounded by people with different worldviews is not, either. It is fine, because I then learned how to compromise and be tolerant, but somehow I'm tired of adjusting the discrepancy between what I believe and what the social norm tells me to do.

How far are you willing to conform just to fit in? Because lately it came to my realization that I have done things I am not proud of, just because everyone else does it anyway. Most people do that often, but my parents raised me to be better than ordinary.

For years, I have been trying to be grey in a black-and-white world. I know that white is ideal, but somehow I am also fascinated with black. So I adjust myself and become grey instead. But somehow, I'm trapped in between, just like in "the simultaneous contrast effect". I'm not black enough to be in the left group, nor white enough to be on the left. And somehow, I judged myself to be whiter whenever I'm with the black group because I'm still not fond of things they do, and I classify myself to be darker whenever I'm with the white group, just because know I don't deserve to be on a par with them - when in fact, I am the exact same shade of grey.

The Simultaneous Contrast Effect

Being grey has its own perks, though. It makes me free to jump and make friends from different worlds. I have a friend who once cried because she prayed late, and a friend who does not even believe in God. Diversity always enthralls me, so I used to think that being grey is the smartest move that I can possibly make. Until I realize that I feel so tired, so very tired, to be in the middle. I want to be content, not just joyful.

Maybe I need to drift away a little. Maybe I need to have more courage to resist the worldly temptations. Maybe I need to make my life more balanced. Maybe I need to surround myself more with those who can push myself to go through the straight path. Those who are more pious than me, or at least those who can support me to be a better version of myself. Because otherwise, I'm going to turn into a condescending person who does not want to learn and improve herself. Because otherwise, I'm going to turn into someone whom I don't aspire to be, whom I despise.

Being a devoted Muslim is never easy. And I'll be lying to myself if I say I'm a good one, when in fact, I'm not even close. I desperately want to be a better person, and I think I'm not determined enough to do that by myself.

You know where I'm going with this, Allah, so would You help me as usual?

Another December

As usual, this time of the year is the time for me to contemplate things that have happened in the last 12 months. Due to my awful memory, I usually started the annual routine by reading some blog posts that I have written - because that's what they are for - including what I wrote last December.

Last Year, I was even too scared to put "study abroad" as my resolution because it seemed impossible. Yet here I am, in the midst of freezing winter and breezy wind. Here I am, 9,157 miles away from home, getting a fresh start with everything, learning how to make it on my own. 

Do I miss home? Terribly. Do I struggle every day just to write a good enough 2000-word-essay? Undoubtedly. Do I find my self-efficacy deteriorates from time to time? Frequently. Do I regret coming here? Not in the slightest!

This year will  always be the one of the most significant years of my life. This year marks the first time for me to be thousands of miles away from my family. The first time for me to live as a minority. The first time for me to use English in academic setting, and surrounded by dozens of native speakers. The first time for me to be the only person that doesn't drink alcohol during dinner. The first time for me to enter a pub, because apparently it's the coziest place to sit and talk in the UK (most of the coffee shops are too small and closed early). The first time for me to travel into so many new places without my family. The first time for me to understand what it means to be free and responsible.

And this year, I learned that if I'm willing to step away from my comfort zone and try new things (even though I thought it's out of my league), something great will come. 

Next year will not be easier for me as I will do my final project. I'm worried and excited as usual, and I hope it will turn out fine. I'm not going to make resolutions since none of my last year's have achieved anyway (apart from pursuing another degree). All I want for next year is new experiences, and a strength for me to overcome any obstacles that I might face. I want to enjoy my days and ruminate less, I want to be happy, even happier than I currently am.

Thank you for this amazing year, dear Allah. You know I won't make it without Your tremendous amount of blessings. May I always be reminded to be grateful under any circumstances. I can't wait for more surprises from You, especially regarding the one baffling question that I have always wondered about, that irritates me a lot.

Thank you for making the impossible possible.

Travel Far Enough

"Travel far enough, you meet yourself." I don't remember where did I see that quote before, nor who wrote it. Back then, when I read it for the first time, I couldn't even relate to it. 

I've travelled far now, yet somehow I feel more lost than before. I've discovered a whole new world, met and interacted with people from a different world, and I fell in love with all the novelty. I was so sure at the beginning. I made a decision. 

My perspective became wider, and so does my dream. There are so many things that I do want to achieve.

I guess being alone and away from my significant others lead me to ruminate, frequently. I hate to be an over-thinker who worries to much, but I just can't help myself from doing it.

What is it that I really want? Am I after the wrong thing? Should I try something fun even though it will be a waste of time and money? Or should I be the same-old mature, boring girl? What should I do after this? Will any of my plan work out? Am I after the wrong thing? Do I really belong here? 

And then I open my Path, Facebook, or Instagram. And compare my worst self with other people's best. Covet things that have been concealed and edited.

"Allah has planned everything for you. He knows what's best for you. Why worry?"

Because what if I'm not good enough to deserve something good? What if? 

A Speck of Dust

It's weird to have statistics as a subject that I look forward to every week, as the subject that I suck at the least, and as a reason to procrastinate my essay and critical analysis. It's even weirder to suddenly have the urge to clean up my room, and even rearrange the furnitures, just to do anything but doing the critical analysis. I mean, it's Ayas that I'm talking about, a girl (young woman? sounds strange) who fights a lot with her mom over her immensely messy room and uses The Big Five model as an argument to justify laziness.

I might always have been a procrastinator during my undergrad, but I always knew what to write. I procrastinated because I know that I can do it in just an hour or two. That I can still do it with haste. 

Whereas now I completely have no idea what to write, even though it's only 5 days before the deadline. And even if I know what to write, I don't know how to write it to make my critics and ideas sound brilliant. Because no matter what I write or think, most of my classmates will do better than me.

Maybe this is what I get for being too condescending in the past: A realization that I am actually just a  speck of dust in the universe. A guppy fish in a pond full of koi.

And then again, I write this just to procrastinate.

Wish me luck?