The Abundance of John Green

I used to be a keen reader. I read the fifth book of Harry Potter (I still remember that the translated version I read was exactly 1200 pages) in less than 3 days when I was 10 years old! But now I can't even finish a 200-pages book in a day.

So I listed "read more books" as one of last year's resolutions and bought myself a pink Kobo Glo because I like reading e-books, even though I do miss the smell of a new book, sometimes. And so I started to read again, even though I realized I didn't feel as excited as I was back then. I also began to read non-fiction books, after I ensure that it will still be a light read.

A good book, for me, is the one that can relate to anyone who reads it. If it's a fiction, it will make me feel that at least one character from the book is me. The plot and the story could be very un-relatable, it's the thought and that matters.

That's probably why I like John Green. I have read Will Grayson, Will Grayson and The Fault in Our Stars, just finished The Abundance of Katherines, and currently on Paper Towns.

And of course, Looking for Alaska is on my to-read list.

His novels are quite typical. Young adult novels with a geeky main character who has only one or two best friends, which is embellished with fancy words and deep, quotable sentences. When the characters fall in love, John will make sure that the readers fall in love as well. So he will use sentences like "the smile could end wars and cure cancer" or "if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

I don't really like young adult stories because it's just too young, but John Green's are exceptions. or me, plots are not as important as words and sentences. So yes, even though plenty of Goodreads user thought The Abundance of Katherines is a boring book, I still relish it because it was vastly relatable and thought-provoking as well.

(Source: Pinterest)

I do wonder if a person could really love someone just the way they are. I worry a lot, and I ponder a lot. Like Colin Singleton, I often have negative thoughts about myself, and I repeatedly imagine the worst possibilities of how another person would think of me. I do have questions about myself that I can't answer nor ask to anyone else. I do also push myself to be able to do something remarkable, because being in the middle of a bell shape is not fulfilling enough. But unlike a fictional character, there is no happy ending that is going to happen in just a few more pages. So just hang in there.

Well said, Colin. (Source: Weheartit)

Anyway, I don't only adore his novels, actually, but also the thoughts, passion, and broad knowledge of John Green and his brother Hank; as seen in their vlogs and Crash Course videos. How brilliant are the Green Brothers!

Proyeksi

"Kriteria ideal yang kita bikin untuk (calon) pasangan itu terkadang sebenarnya adalah proyeksi dari kriteria yang kita buat untuk diri kita sendiri. Kita pasang suatu standar untuk calon pasangan yang menurut kita sesuai dengan kondisi diri kita, tapi pada akhirnya kita akan sadar kalau kriteria itu adalah hal-hal yang kita inginkan untuk ada di diri kita, bukan yang cocok jadi pasangan kita. Pada akhirnya, yang Allah kasih ke kita mungkin ga akan sepenuhnya sama dengan yang kita pengen, tapi toh itu yang akan bikin kita bahagia."

- Disadur dari percakapan dengan seorang teman kesayangan yang dalam hitungan minggu akan jadi istri orang. It is always pleasant and insightful to have a conversation with you, Qis! 

Chin Up!

I have finally received the feedback for every essay that I have written in the first term and for a presentation that I did last week. Unlike in Indonesia, feedbacks for essay and presentation are given in detail, not just by a number that God knows where from. My lecturers actually read every single word in my paper and gave me a constructive feedback for several sentences that I wrote (like "this should be supported by more evidence" or "great idea!"). For the presentation feedback, my course coordinator created a table consists of marking criteria and gave it to the whole class, so that we would get feedback from each of our classmates.

I said "I'm the stupidest one here" a lot. I said "I'm nothing compared to everyone here" abundantly, as well. I'm constantly being too hard on myself, and I know it. So it feels relieving to receive such constructive feedbacks to keep my self-efficacy from plummeting. Now I realized that while academic world is clearly not for me and I'm not going to get a PhD anytime soon, I'm not all that bad. I am actually really proud of my presentation and my essay. There are some flaws, obviously, but I'm still learning, and making some mistakes is not a bad thing as long as I can make some progress. I thought I would never critically analyse a paper as well as what my lecturer expected me to do, but hey, I read my undergraduate thesis (the one that I am very proud of), and already found a new flaws in just a few minutes - which is a sign that my knowledge is evolving. And yes, being an international student who has never used English in academic setting before, of course needing more time and effort in order to thrive is normal.

The scores that I got for the first term was not impressive. But it wasn't bad, and I have to admit that I really get what I deserve. I obviously underestimated my own ability. I still have what it takes to be what I aspire to be - I just need to be reminded of that fact all the time, instead of ruminating perpetually.

So chin up, chin up. Keep this in mind: everything is going to be okay.

To Be A Shade Lighter

As someone with a religious upbringing, living far away from home in a secular, free country is not that easy. Being surrounded by people with different worldviews is not, either. It is fine, because I then learned how to compromise and be tolerant, but somehow I'm tired of adjusting the discrepancy between what I believe and what the social norm tells me to do.

How far are you willing to conform just to fit in? Because lately it came to my realization that I have done things I am not proud of, just because everyone else does it anyway. Most people do that often, but my parents raised me to be better than ordinary.

For years, I have been trying to be grey in a black-and-white world. I know that white is ideal, but somehow I am also fascinated with black. So I adjust myself and become grey instead. But somehow, I'm trapped in between, just like in "the simultaneous contrast effect". I'm not black enough to be in the left group, nor white enough to be on the left. And somehow, I judged myself to be whiter whenever I'm with the black group because I'm still not fond of things they do, and I classify myself to be darker whenever I'm with the white group, just because know I don't deserve to be on a par with them - when in fact, I am the exact same shade of grey.

The Simultaneous Contrast Effect

Being grey has its own perks, though. It makes me free to jump and make friends from different worlds. I have a friend who once cried because she prayed late, and a friend who does not even believe in God. Diversity always enthralls me, so I used to think that being grey is the smartest move that I can possibly make. Until I realize that I feel so tired, so very tired, to be in the middle. I want to be content, not just joyful.

Maybe I need to drift away a little. Maybe I need to have more courage to resist the worldly temptations. Maybe I need to make my life more balanced. Maybe I need to surround myself more with those who can push myself to go through the straight path. Those who are more pious than me, or at least those who can support me to be a better version of myself. Because otherwise, I'm going to turn into a condescending person who does not want to learn and improve herself. Because otherwise, I'm going to turn into someone whom I don't aspire to be, whom I despise.

Being a devoted Muslim is never easy. And I'll be lying to myself if I say I'm a good one, when in fact, I'm not even close. I desperately want to be a better person, and I think I'm not determined enough to do that by myself.

You know where I'm going with this, Allah, so would You help me as usual?