What's Yet To Come

It's frightening to realize how fast time passes. Especially when you realize how good your life is at the moment and how scary the future might be.

I learned and did a lot of new things in 2015. I befriended various kinds of people. I travelled a lot more than I have my entire life (I flew 20 times in 5 months!). I even surpassed my reading goal and have started journaling again. This year, I feel challenged and blessed. I feel like I have grown up a little. I feel overjoyed, despite still having all the insecurities.

This year, I learned that when I stop worrying, eventually Allah is going to open a door. He's going to lead me through a path I didn't even know existed. He keeps reminding me that worrying will not do any good. Just trust Him, and I'll always be fine.

I also learned this year that leaving a comfort zone is a necessity, no matter how hard. Of course doing something we know we're good at and being surrounded by kind people who are all familiar are tempting, but trust me, the world out there has even more to offer. 

(Source: Why-ed.com)

Although this is undoubtedly the best year of my life, it's not all immaculate. I also learned to let go this year; to accept that what I think I want might not be the same with what I need. I learned that being grateful that something beautiful has happened will make me a lot happier than regretting it, as cliché as it sounds. Knowing that Allah is the best planner, I also learned to not feel excessively sad about all the things and all the people I have lost. I have been told that there's no such thing as unfortunate events if we're patient enough to see the silver linings. There's always something to learn, something to improve, something that eventually will make us stronger.

A lot of things happened this year. I stumbled and ran. I wept and laughed. I said goodbyes and hellos. I found and lost.

This year, I learned that sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes it's not. I learned that doing meaningful things are what drives me, and the money will just follow effortlessly.

I know I'm ready for a new year. I'm ready to be surprised. I'm ready to figure out why Allah said "no" or "not now." Because I have to keep believing that something beautiful is yet to come.

About Being Superficial

Have you ever thought about how shallow our life is? Because lately I have.

Lately I no longer open Path and Instagram more than ten times a day - just to see when did who go out where with whom. Lately I've been scrolling down my own page to see the things that I have posted, and wonder why did I post them in the first place. Some of the posts are not even news-worthy; meaning, no one would really want to know about it. Some, I even found a little too braggy. Why do I become so shallow? Is it because I want people to appreciate me? Is it because I long for likes, loves, and thumbs ups? Is it because I want my friends to see how perfect my life is? Because, spoiler alert, it is not; and so does everyone else's.

I guess I did post what I have posted just because everyone else does it. It has become the new normal, and it's completely normal to conform. And yes, when I was living abroad, it really was pleasing to see what my friends in Indonesia are up to, just to make me feel like I was not a thousand of miles away. Although in the end, I learned that those friends I had observed have their own problems and insecurities; things that I could not discover online.

Another part of me did it also because I have the need to tell someone about something. It feels good to write my thoughts down or say it aloud, which is why I blogged in the first place. But lately I've been wondering if my personal life is way too available on the internet. Yes, there are many many things that I keep to myself (and/or with my significant others), but a stranger would know a lot (like a lot, a lot) about me if they googled my name. And I'm not even someone. Lately I've been wondering if that's the right thing to do. That's why I have decided to buy a journal and write in the old-fashioned way. I realised that I need to write more honestly in order to regulate myself better; and I need to write them in a personal space where I don't have to worry about being judged.

And frankly, another part of me, of course, posted all those things to maintain the "self-image" that I have apparently created. And yes, sometimes, I retouched a few things and make it look better than it actually is. That's when I feel shallow and phony.

And no, this not the kind of post when I'd write, "I will delete all my social media account" or "I will not use internet ever again". This is simply just a reminder to me, to be less superficial. To hold the temptations to post all the unnecessary things.

If that's possible.

To Make A Change

I have finally got a job - and guess what, it's exactly the job that I've been dreaming of - something I wrote about 5 months ago. 

Ever since I received a leadership training for LPDP, I am well-fed with facts which prove that my country needs a change, as well as a lot of bright and honest people who are willing to do the change. We were told that no, it's not the abundance of evil people that makes a country corrupt and degenerate, it's the lack of good people who are willing to do something about it.

Long story short, I naively want to make a change in the educational system; something with bigger impacts than teaching a few children. And what's better than working with people who make the policy, in order to do that? Luckily, Allah heard my prayer, as always. I asked him to open a door for me after he closed a few windows, and yet he opened a wide gate.

Indeed, He is. (source)

I now work as an educational consultant for the ministry of education. It's not a permanent job, but it's fine considering I'm still not sure about what my next step is going to be. I get to work in a team consists of two other people who are both smart, experienced, yet humble and respect me - two people whom I can learn so much from and I can respect effortlessly. 

Just like any other job in the world, certaintly it's not perfect. There are some people who makes my head dizzy, too. People with long title, high position, yet no intention of doing their best to help people. People who reflects the old saying, "Empty barrels make the loudest noise." People who I have been meaning to ask, "How do you sleep at night?"

Nonetheless, this job is more than enough for me. I will have the chance to learn about the process behind a policy making, to talk to and meet with prominent people in the country, to travel to a few of cities, and, more importantly, to make a change, no matter how small. The job is also challenging, and I need to learn fast in order to keep up because apparently I'm a complete novice - but that's better than being trapped in my own comfort zone, right?

It's a new opportunity, a new journey. I still can't believe how amazing Allah's plan is. I promise to myself that I'll do my best and keep my idealism intact.

This job is a perfect, perfect way to end this incredible year and to start my 22 with. Once again, I am given with more blessings than I deserve. Although this time it is not only a blessing, but also a huge responsibility.

I hope things works out well for you, too.

To (Not) Compare

I struggled with my self-efficacy during my time in the UK. I questioned myself a lot, and I compared myself with plenty of my vocal, ambitious, native-speaker classmates; and found that I was not even close with them. 

Then I got home, and I saw a lot of people see myself in such a different perspective. That I am, according to them, bright and ambitious. "I am not that bright, trust me," I told them. "I would have performed better if I were. I am just a speck of dust compared to my classmates, and I know I could have done better if I tried harder." 

A few days ago, I need to go somewhere during rush hour, and I chose to take the train (because I'd rather be jammed on a train than got caught in a traffic jam). I know taking a train during peak hours in Jakarta is not a very pleasant thing to do, but it taught me something. I suddenly felt grateful because I realised that I am possibly more privileged, lucky, and educated than 90% people I met on the overcrowded train. I have a choice to take a cab or anything else if I want to, a choice that a lot of people don't have. I don't even need to commute every day - and as I find the commuting experience exhausting and bad for subjective well-being, I am utterly grateful. 

And I knew right away that it's unfair to me to always compare myself with people who are above me. It's unfair if I always compare myself with people I aspire to be. Sure, it's going to make me feel like I need to improve myself - and that's a good thing - but sometimes I really need to look back (and down) in order to remind myself to be grateful and proud of what I have done and become. Even my neck would get hurt if I looked up perpetually.

Said Theodore Rosevelt (source)

Apparently, I need to constantly remind myself to be grateful and to slow down a little bit. I have been running my whole life, and now it's okay if I want to walk a little. I decided to keep running until now (as Allah still supports me to), but I need to know that I really don't have to. I will never be satisfied if I always ask myself "what's next?".

Apparently, I need to remind myself again that every person in their twenties has problems and insecurities, and it is, in fact, the new normal. Adult life won't be easy, and this is just the beginning.