About The Woman I Love

Let me tell you something about the woman I love. Someone strong, bold, and wise. Someone whom I respect and adore. Someone who has taught me to be the person that I am.

Let me tell you something about her. She used to be someone I kept fighting with, because it's unpleasant to grow up with so many rules. I used to think of her as someone controlling and annoying, but as I grew older, I understand that she really is just trying to protect me from a world so cruel.

She is exactly the kind of woman I aspire to be. She taught me to be assertive. She showed me that a woman should not only be a mother or wife, but also someone who can contribute to society, altough the former is absolutely the utmost priority.

The one thing I love the most about her, though, is her effort to listen to my opinion. She's a dominant person, but she understands that her know-it-all daughter wants to be heard. She won't be offended even when I criticize her parenting skills.

She's also a great public speaker. She knows how to inspire people. She knows how to talk to different kind of audiences. She can be really funny, too. She just know how to be an interesting speaker.

She's not perfect, clearly. But neither does everybody.

She is someone I'm blessed to have. Someone I'm striving to be. Someone I'm truly proud of. My mother, my teacher, and my best friend.

Happy birthday, Ummi. May Allah protect and bless you abundantly. 

The Thing About Studying Psychology

"Sometimes I'm afraid that working here would change my personality."

"Change how?"

"Here, I'm taught to be cautious of people's intention. It's like, whenever I met new people, I'm expected to scrutinize their needs and motivation, as well as to be wary of what they could do that might harm me."

"And that's bad?"

"I don't know. It's certainly useful here, but I know that I can't think that way when I become a psychologist."

"How should you think of people, then?"

"In psychology, there's something called 'unconditional positive regard' - that we have to accept people (or clients) as they are, regardless of what they did. Studying psychology has encouraged me to put myself in other people's shoes. So it's really hard for me to hate anyone."

Empathy (Source)

"Really? How come?"

"We learned to analyze people's behaviors to understand why they did what they did. Chances are, there's a reason. There are bad people, for sure, but I believe that most humans are innately good."

"Even if they hurt you?"

"Even if they did hurt me. I often thought of the plausible explanations that might drive their actions. What they did could be wrong and hurtful, but most of the times I did something wrong, too."

"You're just being gullible."

"Yeah? I don't know, I just feel that most of the time, it's really hard to hate someone who did me wrong, as I'm not perfect either."

"But that could make you the victim. That could actually get you hurt."

"Yeah, I know."

To Be Proud

There are times when I look down on myself. Times when I feel that I'm not good enough. Not smart enough, not kind enough, not working hard enough. Just not enough.

But today is not one of those days. Today, I feel proud of myself. For making it this far. For doing pretty well in the job I'd been so worried about. For being able to stay on track. For showing grit, even when it means going back to school once more. And even for being able to pay half of my tuition fee.

I know that the journey won't be all fun and easy. There will be times when I'm overwhelmed with all the assignments. Times when I feel frustrated and not good enough to be a psychologist. Times when I compare my worst day with other people's best. Times when I question myself and my decision. Just like whenever I tried something new and met a lot of talented people.

There will be times like that, and that's okay. I'm a ruminator, and I'll probably always be one. That's okay though, as I realize ruminating challenges myself to be better. I just need to remember that just like any other thing I've encountered in life, everything shall pass; for Allah won't ever burden me beyond what I can't bear.

I'm working on it. I'm learning to accept all of my flaws, because no one is perfect and I shouldn't expect myself to be. Because all the successful people I've met weren't always happy and successful and got everything figured out. I know what helps, though: asking feedbacks from people I look up to, to help assure me that I'm not as bad as I think I am. To help me become a better,  nicer, more objective judge to myself. Aside from that, keeping a list of things I do well and positive things about me also came in handy. It helps me remember that although I'm not perfect, there really are reasons for me to stop being so hard on myself, as I'm not that bad. Well, chances are, no ruminator is.

I'll always remember to compare myself with no one but me. Yes, I'm still far away from what I long to be, but I've also grown so much over the last few years. And for that, I should be proud of myself.

Today I feel blissful and blessed. A little sad to realize that I might leave the newly-discovered comfort zone soon, yet excited to find a new one. 

The road might not be that easy, but I think I'm ready. 

-

Hope you'll always find a reason to be proud of yourself, too. 

About The One, Inevitable Question

I wrote a few years ago that people started asking the "when" questions after I graduated from college, despite my exceptionally young age. It turns out that the number of questions multiplied after I have had my master's degree. "What else are you looking for?", some asked. "You have everything now. Why aren't you married yet?"

I never took the "when" questions personally. Most of the times, I truly believe that people ask because they care about me, or they were just curious about my plan.

Sometimes, though, the question was asked in a more judgmental tone.

"You need to start thinking about getting married. A girl's biggest achievement is her family. A dad's greatest success is also to witness her daughter getting hitched. That's why it's important to know that life needs to be balanced between career, education, and marriage," lectured a condescending uncle and aunt of mine just a few weeks ago, although ironically, they also have a single daughter who is older than me.

I was quite annoyed, but then relieved. I was grateful when I realized that I have understanding parents who would never pressure me that way. Who understands perfectly that just because I am a high-achiever and very determined to catch my dreams, doesn't mean that I don't ever want to get married. 

While studying abroad, I met plenty of independent Indonesian women who have left the age of 25, the so-called "yellow-light" period for a single woman in Indonesia. I know from their story that unlike the typical alpha-women in the movie, they don't plan to stay single forever. Heck, most of them don't even choose to be single, and it's not like they're unattractive or bizarre in any way. They just haven't met the right person yet, and they won't stop catching their dreams only to ensure that they won't make men feel intimidated.

Some of the Indonesian girls I met in the UK even decided to go abroad to run away from their infuriating family who keep lecturing that the clock is ticking, as if they didn't know about it already! Pressuring someone to do something they actually want to do won't do them any good, that I can assure.

By contrast, I know a girl who decided to get married because she didn't like studying in college and didn't want to work afterward. It's pretty sad to know that nowadays, there are still girls who still think that way. Marriage is not something you choose because you don't know what else to do with your life. Marriage is something you choose when you are ready to be someone's wife and mom. And it's just as hard as work, as it is, work.

Of course, I also have some friends who got married because they have found someone they truly love and supportive of their dreams, and I couldn't be happier for them. Marrying young is a bold decision and I'm proud of my friends who are not afraid (of the worldly reasons) to get married. But not everyone is lucky enough to have that experience, I believe. Allah knows what's best for us, and sometimes He wants to give us more time to explore the world and to find ourselves.

So the next time someone lectures me about getting married, I would just nod and smile (hopefully not contemptuously). I would tell them that getting married is not as easy as buying a new pair of shoes, and that I obviously want to have a family of my own when I have found the right man to spend the rest of my life with. Next time someone tells me that I make men feel inferior (although seriously, I'm not even sure how), I'm going to tell them that I'm quite sure there is someone out there who is not afraid to stand beside me -- to be better together. And the next time someone told me to not even thinking about getting another postgraduate degree, I would tell them that everything I do is to prepare me to be a better wife and mother in the future. Because it takes a clever woman to raise clever children! And because I want to inspire my children; I want them to be motivated because if their mother can do it, they can do so much more.

And next time someone mentions that my parents will not be proud and happy until I got married, I would tell them that a dad's greatest success is not when seeing his daughter marry someone, but seeing her grow and bloom to be an intelligent, independent, happy woman. A mom's greatest success is when seeing her daughter becoming a woman who lives a fulfilling and contented life, who can contribute and be useful to the society, and who can also be a great mother when she had become one.

And in the meantime, I'll meet as many inspiring people as I can, and listen to their story. Then I'll be even more certain that each of us has different goals and timeline. That worrying about the future is unnecessary, because everything has been written down and will work out just fine; as long as we always put the best effort and leave the rest to Allah. That Allah is the best planner, and that He always knows what's best for us.

(Source: Tumblr)

To all the bright women out there who haven't found the right person, just keep going and remember: Allah has promised that good women are destined to be with good men. The right time will come. And in the meantime, enjoy your life and make the most of it.