To The Past Self

All my life, I have always wanted to be an adult. I have been choosing chick lit over teen lit (and adult fiction over young-adult novels) since high school, started watching Desperate Housewives when I was 15 (I know how terrible it sounds), always think more like an adult, prefer talking to my aunts than playing with my younger cousins, and I'm happy if someone mistake me for a person who is a few years older (based on my behavior, though, not how I look or dress). Well, I could think of several justifications behind those inclinations - I am the first child, I was raised to be mature and responsible, I studied psychology, most of my close friends are at least 2 years older than me, and so forth.

Although now that I'm an adult (the future me might laugh to read that a 21-year-old me gullibly thought she was an adult), I'm actually a bit scared. It's getting real. The pressure is real. The pressure to get a job, to get married, to raise beautiful and smart children, to make a change, to do meaningful things. And I'm still far, far away from what I aspire to be. On my way there, I hope, but still nowhere near.

The thing about being the oldest one in the family is, no one is going to tell you how the world really works and guide you to the "right" way. There could be some discrepancies between what your parents told you to do and what everyone else is doing, and no one would tell you what to do.

If only I could tell my younger, naive self a few things, I'd tell her not to worry so much about being an adult. I'm grateful to have the chance to start college two and a half years earlier than I was supposed to, but life is not just about putting a tick on your to-achieve list. So I would tell the teenage-me to enjoy the present more. Break some rules, make some mistakes, and learn from them. Be friends with a lot of people, even those who didn't meet your criteria of a nice person. There is always something that you can learn from everyone, after all. You, however, still need to always follow your conscience (which sometimes has the exact same voice as your mom's or dad's) to prevent yourself from doing stupid things you might regret.

Found on Tumblr.

I would also tell her to never stop reading. Books can be expensive and movies can be so tempting, but you, my dear, should never stop reading. Be it novels or nonfiction books about anything, they will open your mind. Now that I'm (finally) into reading again, I sometimes stumble upon a few books and thought, "why didn't I read this earlier?". And yes, I would also tell myself to start reading English books earlier. It could be intimidating and difficult at first, but once you're used to it, girl, it could lead you to a whole new world! Your brain would definitely thank you later.

I would tell her to be less afraid to try new things as well. Seriously, do something you're not really comfortable with, but you know could benefit you in some way. And don't give up or get bored so easily. Be more persistent, for your own sake. You will irrefutably regret all the things that everyone does yet you don't because you couldn't (like swimming or riding a bike), so pull yourself together and keep trying until you can.

But I'm not getting any younger, and so I would also tell my future self: Try your best to keep doing all the things I have mentioned earlier. You'll be alright, as you always are. You're loved, you're blessed, you're happy. A few years ago, you old self was praying to get the things you now have (and probably you take for granted). And for that, you should really be grateful.

To Live A Meaningful Life

Dear Future Ayas,

Please remember that a few days ago (current time, not future time) you shared a conversation with an Indonesian friend that is also studying at York. He has worked for Indonesian government for several years now, and he told you stories about Indonesia.

It's a similar story that you have heard several times, actually. He's been to many remote areas in Indonesia and witnessed a lot of issues. Poverty, corruption, poor quality of education, you name it.

He told you about a small village which has only a school where the teachers had not been paid for 3 months, yet there was a band invited to the amuse the people in the village and they got paid for 500 million rupiahs.

He also told you about the way his friends who work in Customs & Excise, who has corrupted hundreds of millions and don't even feel guilty about it anymore.

He opened your eyes and lit it up at the same time - because you did realize that you want to do something. You didn't know what you could do exactly, but you knew you can't just ignore those facts.

Dear Ayas,

Whatever happen in the future, please remember that you once had a dream that you could do something for your country. That you could do something to make every child in your country to receive the same quality of education and have a happy life at home. That you believed that it could then alleviate the problems of Indonesia, as the lack of education seems to be the root of all the problems.

Whatever you do in the future, please remember that your dream was to make a change and help people, not to gain a lot of money.

Please remember that money and possessions are not the only criteria to measure success. So you'll also remember that it's okay if you couldn't make more money than most of your friends. It's okay if you choose not to buy designer bags and pricey shoes, or eat at fancy restaurants. It's okay.

Dear Ayas,

I do hope that you won't see this post as something silly and naive. I hope you will keep the idealism and find a way to make a change. I hope you still remember that it's a meaningful and content life that you're after, not a glamorous one. 

You just have to figure it out. Or maybe by now you have?

A Reminder

Dear Ayas, or the future version of Ayas, 

There are times when you hate your life. When you perpetually compare your worst day to other people's best, or at least what appeared to be their best day based on what they post on the internet. There are moments when you abruptly forget all of the blessings that Allah has showered you with abundantly. Times when you sobbed without any obvious reason. Times when you feel like things are not going as you planned, and that you have chosen the wrong path, even though that path sure looks appealing. There are also times when you feel profoundly lost and suddenly don't know what to do. When you covet what your friends have that you don't, and feel that somehow it is unfair. 

When those days come again, please, please remind yourself to be thankful for everything that's going on in your life. There is a reason behind everything, and there are good things waiting for you ahead - things that are already planned by Allah. And remember that you'll be just fine, no matter what. 

And please remember that about two years ago, Aa Gym, a prominent Islamic preacher, told you this in one of his speeches: 

"If you want to be truly happy, you have to learn to feel happy for other people's blessings."

And lastly, please do remember that some of your friends also covet what you have. That it's actually humane to want things that we can't have at the moment, or to long for things that other people  have achieved. The neighbor's grass will always look greener, dear, but that shouldn't stop you from watering your lawn. 

Keep doing what you do, and make yourself and other people proud of you. No matter what the evil part of your brain think, you're doing great. And I'm proud of you.