Travel Far Enough

"Travel far enough, you meet yourself." I don't remember where did I see that quote before, nor who wrote it. Back then, when I read it for the first time, I couldn't even relate to it. 

I've travelled far now, yet somehow I feel more lost than before. I've discovered a whole new world, met and interacted with people from a different world, and I fell in love with all the novelty. I was so sure at the beginning. I made a decision. 

My perspective became wider, and so does my dream. There are so many things that I do want to achieve.

I guess being alone and away from my significant others lead me to ruminate, frequently. I hate to be an over-thinker who worries to much, but I just can't help myself from doing it.

What is it that I really want? Am I after the wrong thing? Should I try something fun even though it will be a waste of time and money? Or should I be the same-old mature, boring girl? What should I do after this? Will any of my plan work out? Am I after the wrong thing? Do I really belong here? 

And then I open my Path, Facebook, or Instagram. And compare my worst self with other people's best. Covet things that have been concealed and edited.

"Allah has planned everything for you. He knows what's best for you. Why worry?"

Because what if I'm not good enough to deserve something good? What if? 

A Speck of Dust

It's weird to have statistics as a subject that I look forward to every week, as the subject that I suck at the least, and as a reason to procrastinate my essay and critical analysis. It's even weirder to suddenly have the urge to clean up my room, and even rearrange the furnitures, just to do anything but doing the critical analysis. I mean, it's Ayas that I'm talking about, a girl (young woman? sounds strange) who fights a lot with her mom over her immensely messy room and uses The Big Five model as an argument to justify laziness.

I might always have been a procrastinator during my undergrad, but I always knew what to write. I procrastinated because I know that I can do it in just an hour or two. That I can still do it with haste. 

Whereas now I completely have no idea what to write, even though it's only 5 days before the deadline. And even if I know what to write, I don't know how to write it to make my critics and ideas sound brilliant. Because no matter what I write or think, most of my classmates will do better than me.

Maybe this is what I get for being too condescending in the past: A realization that I am actually just a  speck of dust in the universe. A guppy fish in a pond full of koi.

And then again, I write this just to procrastinate.

Wish me luck?

Regardless

It has been six weeks, and I love it here. Even though I barely understand the lectures. Even though sometimes people talk too fast during the lecture and I get lost. Even though I feel stupid most of the times. Even though everyone seems so smart and critical. I love it here regardless, because I know I'm learning a lot, even from my classmates. I love it here because all of my lectures seem so dedicated and passionate about what they do. And all of my lecturers are also researchers, with a specialty on at least a field, which makes them all critical, resourceful, and of course, amazing. And the gap between lecturer and student here is somewhat narrow, as we can call them by their first name and they would be very pleased to hear our critics and ideas. I also love it here because the department uses more scientific (neuropsychology) approach, with all the brain-imaging research and such. It's no longer "social science". It is, science; life science. 

I love it here, despite of the fact that I have to put extra effort to pray and eat halal food. There is no mosque on the city center, and no halal restaurant that offer any food that is not pizza, Indian cuisine, or mediterranean one. Despite of the fact that I miss having dinner-conversations with my family. Despite of the fact that I miss doing all the religious routines with them. I miss doing congregation prayers with my brother, or doing suhoor and breaking fast together (now they just feel like a regular meal). I love it here regardless, because everyone is so nice and friendly. Because I have a few close friends whom I can be myself around. Because I have more chance to enlarge my circle and step out of my comfort zone.

I love it here, although I have to walk more than 18,000 steps a day sometimes. Although it's cold most of the times. Although I have to walk faster than I used to be, because that's just how people walk here. Although everything is so expensive here, and I have to balance my urge to shop and travel and my intention to save up. I love it here regardless, because of the clean, fresh air and the tranquility of this beautiful city that I currently live in. Because I have more chance to see other parts of the world and its locals. Because I have more chance to enjoy my present days, even though I still constantly worry about my future (because that's just who I am).

To live and study here is not easy. It will probably get easier, but it will never be easy. Because that's just how life works. But I love it here anyway.

To Subdue, To Bear, To Overcome

I have to complete a pretest before my statistics class even started. The test consists of 50 statistical questions, including some which I haven't learned at my previous university. It's hard. So hard that I have to skim through 4 books that I used during my undergraduate degree. So hard that I have to spend more than 8 hours studying, trying to refresh my memory that apparently remembers nothing about statistics. So hard that I'm starting to question my capability to pursue another degree. So hard that I almost cry, because I realize that this is only the beginning.

That it will be this arduous, or even worse, for the next one year. That it is not supposed to be easy. That I'm not getting scholarship fund every month to stay at home and do whatever it is that I want to do. No. LPDP paid more than 40 thousand pounds for me to work my ass off, to subdue whatever it is that challenges me, to finish this course, and to finally do something for children in my country.

Ready or not, this is a challenge that I know I will face before I even decided to do this. The fact that most of my classmates will be from UK and EU makes it harder, but it's not a reason for me to keep complaining.

My life here will be tough, obviously, but Allah will not burden me with something beyond my capacity. My life wasn't always easy either, but I made it. I have made it this far. And so I can make it, and I will make it.

(taken from tumblr)

Nevertheless, it's exciting to be here and I really, really, really love the City, the university, and the study environment. I'm delighted about the courses as well. I am utterly grateful, and therefore I know that I have to exert myself to be more determined and to be able to keep up with my classes.

Because it will be worth it in the end.