A Speck of Dust

It's weird to have statistics as a subject that I look forward to every week, as the subject that I suck at the least, and as a reason to procrastinate my essay and critical analysis. It's even weirder to suddenly have the urge to clean up my room, and even rearrange the furnitures, just to do anything but doing the critical analysis. I mean, it's Ayas that I'm talking about, a girl (young woman? sounds strange) who fights a lot with her mom over her immensely messy room and uses The Big Five model as an argument to justify laziness.

I might always have been a procrastinator during my undergrad, but I always knew what to write. I procrastinated because I know that I can do it in just an hour or two. That I can still do it with haste. 

Whereas now I completely have no idea what to write, even though it's only 5 days before the deadline. And even if I know what to write, I don't know how to write it to make my critics and ideas sound brilliant. Because no matter what I write or think, most of my classmates will do better than me.

Maybe this is what I get for being too condescending in the past: A realization that I am actually just a  speck of dust in the universe. A guppy fish in a pond full of koi.

And then again, I write this just to procrastinate.

Wish me luck?

Regardless

It has been six weeks, and I love it here. Even though I barely understand the lectures. Even though sometimes people talk too fast during the lecture and I get lost. Even though I feel stupid most of the times. Even though everyone seems so smart and critical. I love it here regardless, because I know I'm learning a lot, even from my classmates. I love it here because all of my lectures seem so dedicated and passionate about what they do. And all of my lecturers are also researchers, with a specialty on at least a field, which makes them all critical, resourceful, and of course, amazing. And the gap between lecturer and student here is somewhat narrow, as we can call them by their first name and they would be very pleased to hear our critics and ideas. I also love it here because the department uses more scientific (neuropsychology) approach, with all the brain-imaging research and such. It's no longer "social science". It is, science; life science. 

I love it here, despite of the fact that I have to put extra effort to pray and eat halal food. There is no mosque on the city center, and no halal restaurant that offer any food that is not pizza, Indian cuisine, or mediterranean one. Despite of the fact that I miss having dinner-conversations with my family. Despite of the fact that I miss doing all the religious routines with them. I miss doing congregation prayers with my brother, or doing suhoor and breaking fast together (now they just feel like a regular meal). I love it here regardless, because everyone is so nice and friendly. Because I have a few close friends whom I can be myself around. Because I have more chance to enlarge my circle and step out of my comfort zone.

I love it here, although I have to walk more than 18,000 steps a day sometimes. Although it's cold most of the times. Although I have to walk faster than I used to be, because that's just how people walk here. Although everything is so expensive here, and I have to balance my urge to shop and travel and my intention to save up. I love it here regardless, because of the clean, fresh air and the tranquility of this beautiful city that I currently live in. Because I have more chance to see other parts of the world and its locals. Because I have more chance to enjoy my present days, even though I still constantly worry about my future (because that's just who I am).

To live and study here is not easy. It will probably get easier, but it will never be easy. Because that's just how life works. But I love it here anyway.