Wednesday, January 18, 2012

About The Perfect Dream

Some of my friends are now in a relationship with a guy who actually is not their type. They said they wanted to be with a religious, not overprotective, smart, or neat guy - while their current boyfriends are far from those criterions.

My mom once said that we can't say that we really don't want to be with some kinda guy - because they might be our future mate. My auntie didn't want a guy who smokes, until she met my uncle and fell in love and suddenly didn't remember about the smoke thing. My mom herself didn't want to be with a Padangnese guy, but she eventually ends up with my dad, a Padangnese guy, though he's not following any of the tradition that my mom thinks are ridiculous. Besides the race, I think my dad is perfect for my mom - in fact, I think they are perfect for each other - and they could win a trophy for one of the best couples that ever existed.

That makes me think.... Are the lists made only to make us daydream? Is it impossible to meet a guy who has everything that are on our lists? Can we be with the kind of person that we plan and we want to spend our life with? Can we? Can I?

Like almost every single person that I have known, I have a list – some criterions – some things that could make me be in love. Those might be similar from my dad – well, I kinda believe that every girl wants to marry a guy who is like her dad, anyway. I will write down the list because I want the future me to read it back, so that I could remember what I want when I was this young and didn't know anything about life.

The list starts with the most important thing: religion. My future husband should be the one who can make me a better person, who can guide me to the right way, who can help me dicipline my future kids based on what is taught by our religion, and simply who can read Quran well and beautifully. He has to be a good Muslimin every aspect.

He also has to be smart. Being smart isn't always about grade – it is more than that. It could be the broad knowledge, or the good problem solving skill, or the ability to see things from different point of view. In my opinion, smart people are easy to fall in love with, are the right person to talk to when we had problems to be solved, and could plan the future well. Happiness isn't always about money, but we need money to fulfill our needs. That's why I want to be with a guy that has bright future – at least he is planning to have a bright future and will try hard to make that happen. I don't need a guy who is very rich because of his father or family - I just need one who is a hard worker and know what to do in his life. It's not that I'm a materialist, I am just a realist.

I can't fall in love with a guy who is really handsome yet doesn't have some great quality. I mean, physical appearance is not so important for me. But of course, it would be nice if he's good looking or charming, although it's really subjective. And though he's religious, I want him to still care about his appearance – he has to know how to dress well and appropriately, though he doesn't have to know fashion. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t agree with the saying ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ I do judge a book by its cover. It’s normal, because that’s why we got eyes, and that’s why graphic designers are for. But I do believe that the judgment cannot only be made by how it looks – it has to consist by a lot of other things. Before reading a book, it’s okay to judge it only by its cover – but after finish reading it, the cover become not as important as the story, the language, and everything else anymore.

Besides those, the guy has to be connected to me in some way. It's an uncertain and an unexplainable thing, which kind of person that we can connect with. That we have chemistry with. We just know.

Those things are important for me. I can't fall in love with some guy who doesn't have those qualities, I can assure you that. That's why it's not easy for me to fall in love with a guy. I always want much. I'm a perfectionist.

I even have some more criterions. It's not rigid, but it would be nice if my future husband could also have those. First, because I want a guy with different point of view, it would be nice if he's very logical. My mom and dad are a great couple, and I guess one of the reason why is because they complete each other – my mom is very social and my dad is very logical. That's why I think it would be even better if my future husband study things that are pretty different from me – maybe economy, or engineering. I also want to be with a guy who loves his mother and have siblings. Having siblings, especially younger ones, will teaches us how to be patient, to be a good role model, to be fair, and to share. A guy who has a younger sister is even better - because it will also teach him how to protect someone they love unconditionally. Last, I want to be with a guy who isn't looking for a girlfriend who he can have fun with  - but is looking for a wife-to-be instead, who he can spend his entire life with.

Yes, I know it's really much to ask. That, and some facts that I mention earlier, makes me wonder: could I meet and be with that guy?

I know it's still a long way to go. But being around some young-adult friends who are starting to think about their future (including marriage), I also start to think about mine. I always have the fear, to not get the perfect man. I know that whoever person that I would end up with is the perfect guy for me because it's all arranged by Him, but I'm afraid he will be too far from what I always expect. Because I always expect things way too much.

I'm afraid that I won't meet a guy that completed everything that I listed. It gets worse because in college, I only meet few guys, and no one is above my expectations. I'm afraid that that kind of guy is not exist.

Until I met one, few days ago. I know it's too soon to judge, because we only talked about professional things so I don't know anything about him yet. But there is something, something that makes me just know. He completed everything that's on my list. Every single thing! I know he also have flaws because no one is perfect, but I suddenly didn't care about it.

I'm really happy about the meeting, I really am. I can't even lie to my friends that I found that guy interesting. I even told my entire family. But I know we could never meet again, so I expect nothing. That's fine, because meeting him is already a pleasure to me. It opens my eyes, that there is always a person who suits me well. Who has good qualities. Who looks perfect in my eyes. I shouldn't worry too much.

Then another question popped up in my mind: Can I be someone’s perfect girl? Can I complete someone's future-wife criterions? Can I be perfect in someone’s eyes? Am I good enough to be with the perfect guy that I always want?

Then I remember one thing that Allah promises, that good women are for good men and good men are for good women. If I wanted to get a good guy, I have to be a good person as well. I have to complete the list I made myself, and do even better. Much better. I have to work on myself first, before I think about what I want from other people. Get my duties done first, and then I could ask for my rights.

So, while praying to get a perfect mate for ourselves, let's try to be a better person. We want to be good enough or more than good enough to a guy who we think is perfect, don't we?

Now I know what I will pray for everyday, to be good enough for a good guy.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Apa Pernah?

Pernah ngerasa sanggup nge-list ratusan daftar kekurangan dan kesulitan untuk mention satu kelebihan diri sendiri?
Pernah ngerasa hilang keinginan untuk melakukan sesuatu karena nggak ada yang percaya, termasuk diri sendiri?
Pernah ngerasa kondisi dirinya lagi sejelek itu? Lagi se-pesimis itu, se-down itu, sepayah itu?
Pernah ngerasa ingin ngelakuin yang namanya withdrawal? Kabur, lari dari realita, dan kembali lagi ketika kondisinya udah jadi beda?

Saya pernah. Bangkitnya nggak gampang. Kenapa? Karena ketika lagi down, pikiran kita akan berubah jadi nggak rasional. Resolusi untuk jadi lebih optimis? Sayangnya di awal tahun belum bisa terlaksana. Mugkin nanti ya, kalau saya sudah semakin dewasa.

Lalu kemudian, datanglah orang-orang yang matters buat saya, dan membuka pikiran saya kembali, pelan-pelan.

Lalu tertampar lah saya, karena terlalu memandang buruk semuanya. 

Dan sadar lah saya, kalau saya nggak boleh bilang 'enggak' kalau mau tau jalan apa yang sebenarnya dibuka buat Allah untuk saya tahun ini. Kalau kadang, terlalu banyak berpikir justru akan berdampak buruk untuk diri sendiri. Kalau sesekali keputusan yang terbaik mungkin yang diambil dengan mengikuti kata hati.

Kini, saya hanya bisa mengucap bismillah. Dengan izin-Nya, tahun ini akan ngasih saya pembelajaran baru yang lebih berharga. Dengan izin-Nya, keputusan yang saya ambil adalah keputusan yang paling baik untuk saya dan orang lain. Dengan izin-Nya, saya siap menjalani tahun dua ribu dua belas ini.

Sambil menempelkan beberapa catatan kecil di buku agenda, saya tiba-tiba jadi excited untuk memulai tahun yang baru ini. 

Sudah malam. Ini hari yang panjang, hari yang melelahkan bagi pikiran dan jemari.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Sebuah Doa

Selamat malam, Kau yang menerbitkan siang dan malam.

Maaf saya ya karena jadi makhluk yang suka tarik-ulur. Dateng kalo butuh, lalu pelan-pelan kembali pergi. Iya sih, kalau sudah ngerasa terlalu jauh, saya kembali datang lagi. Tapi kemudian saya pergi lagi, asik dengan urusan yang lain.

Malam ini, saya ingin mengucap syukur. Ingin mengucap terima kasih, meskipun katanya perkataan tidak akan ada artinya tanpa perbuatan. Terima kasih yang pertama saya ucapin karena Engkau benar-benar memberikan saya keluarga yang sempurna untuk saya. Terima kasih karena di awal tahun ini saya dikasih banyak kesempatan untuk ngobrol dengan kedua orang tua saya, cerita-cerita tentang beberapa masalah yang belakangan saya hadapi di kampus. Saya tau, saya sangat beruntung karena punya keluarga yang seperti ini. Punya orang tua yang konsisten dalam mendidik dan nggak mau anaknya manja dan sombong. Punya orang tua yang tegas namun tetap penuh kasih sayang. Dan terpenting, orang tua yang dekat dengan Engkau dan menerapkan semua perintah Engkau dalam melakukan apapun, serta selalu mengingatkan saya untuk juga dekat dengan Engkau.

Kata Satrio di film Catatan Harian si Boy, 'Teman adalah keluarga yang kita pilih sendiri. Keluarga adalah nasib yang harus kita terima. Kebetulan aja nasib gue baik.' Kalau benar demikian, terimakasih karena Engkau juga memberikan nasib yang baik untuk saya. 

Saya juga mau bilang terima kasih untuk semua kesempatan yang Engkau beri selama setahun kemarin. Saya dikasih kesempatan untuk megang beberapa jabatan yang bener-bener ngasih pembelajaran baru buat saya. Serta kesempatan untuk dapet beberapa teman baru yang jadi deket sama saya dan selalu ada saat saya sedang jatuh.

Makasih juga karena udah ngasih kesempatan berharga ke saya dan keluarga saya untuk pergi berkunjung ke rumah Engkau yang paling utama. Meskipun cuma sebentar, saya tau itu adalah satu momen di mana jarak antara kita berdua terasa tidak sejauh biasanya. Saya tau momen itu sangat berharga dan selalu ingin saya ulangi secara rutin - seandainya saya bisa.

Hari ini, di awal tahun yang baru, saya menunggu kejutan dari Engkau. I'm all prepared to be surprised. Saya yang tahun lalu sudah tau mau ke mana, kini hanya bisa duduk sambil menunggu pintu mana saja yang akan terbuka untuk saya - beserta kejutan di baliknya. Katanya, Engkau selalu tahu apa yang terbaik untuk setiap orang. Saya percaya - saya selalu percaya. Makanya, ketika saya tau saya nggak akan lagi melakukan hal-hal yang sudah biasa saya lakuin, saya tau saya akan menerima rencana yang lebih baik.

Tahun ini mungkin akan saya gunakan untuk melakukan hal-hal yang sebelumnya selalu saya kesampingkan. Saya ingin lebih punya waktu untuk mempersiapkan masa depan saya, untuk orang tua dan adik-adik saya, serta tentunya untuk mendekatkan diri lagi kepada Engkau. Ditambah dengan rencana lain, kalau Engkau memang punya kejutan buat saya.

Tahun ini, seperti doa saya di setiap awal tahun atau di setiap pertambahan usia, saya ingin jadi orang yang lebih baik.

Saya ingin jadi orang yang asertif. Saya tau saya selama ini terlalu submisif. Bahkan kalau saya lagi antri dan saya diserobot, rasanya saya hanya akan diem aja. Kalau ada yang jahat sama saya, saya juga akan diem aja. Nggak tau karena nggak berani atau karena nggak mau nyakitin hati orang, saya lebih prefer untuk diam. Toh saya tau gimana cara ngebalikin mood saya supaya kembali positif. Toh saya bisa ngontrol diri saya. Tapi saya tau kalau menjadi submisif itu nggak selamanya baik, terutama untuk diri saya sendiri. Jadi, tolong bantu saya, ya?

Saya juga mau nilai saya terus naik. Saya mau ketika wisuda duduk di sebelah sahabat-sahabat saya, di barisan cum laude. Saya tau kok, dibalik kapabilitas saya, saya masih akan terus dibantuin sama Engkau. As always. Makanya, bantuin, ya?

Saya juga mau jadi orang yang lebih positif. Jadi orang yang lebih optimis memandang hidup. Saya sering nyoba untuk begitu, meskipun seringkali kelepasan dan gampang jatuh. Saya ingin jadi lebih sabar, jadi lebih kuat - bukan cuma kalau di depan orang lain, tapi juga ketika saya sedang benar-benar sendirian.

Maaf ya kalau saya banyak maunya. Saya hanya ingin jadi orang yang lebih baik. Saya ingin terus bisa berkembang.

Bantu saya supaya selalu konsisten untuk berada dekat dengan Engkau ya. Supaya saya konsisten meletakkan Engkau sebagai prioritas pertama saya.

Engkau yang maha pengasih dan penyayang, tolong kasihi dan sayangi orang-orang yang saya sayang dan juga sayang sama saya, ya. Jadikan tahun ini baik, seperti hal baik yang saya lakukan untuk mengawali tahun ini.

Saya pamit dulu. Terima kasih karena telah mendengarkan saya, seperti biasanya.


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