Tentang Kembali Pulang

Minggu ini, saya kembali ke kampus yang dulu pernah jadi tempat saya berkembang dan menemukan diri saya. Rasanya seperti kembali ke rumah setelah beberapa tahun pergi untuk mengembara. Kelas yang sama, meja dan kursi yang sama, dan dosen yang kurang lebih sama. I'm the only one who's changed. Or more precisely, grown.

Beberapa orang, bahkan dosen di kampus, mempertanyakan keputusan saya untuk mengambil program magister untuk kedua kalinya. Kan sudah punya gelar S2? Kan sudah pernah kuliah di Inggris? Kan sudah dapat pekerjaan yang strategis dan disukai? Kenapa harus kuliah lagi? Kenapa nggak PhD saja sekalian?

Pertanyaan-pertanyaan tersebut punya satu jawaban yang sederhana. Meskipun mungkin terdengar klise, menjadi psikolog adalah impian saya sejak saya masih berusia sepuluh tahun - bahkan sebelum saya tahu apa itu psikologi. Setelah lulus kuliah, segala hal yang saya lakukan (termasuk kuliah di Inggris) tidak lain dan tidak bukan adalah untuk mempersiapkan dan mematangkan diri saya agar dapat menjadi seorang psikolog yang dewasa dan siap menghadapi dunia luar dengan segala keberagamnnya, sambil mengeksplorasi opsi-opsi lain yang tersedia bagi saya. So I tried being a teacher, researcher, consultant, and employee. And while I love those jobs, my dream hasn't changed a bit. Being a psychologist is still what I aspire to do. And when I want something badly, I'll do whatever it takes to get it.

So here I am. Leaving Sudirman for Depok. Going back to the place I once called my second home. I grew up there, and I'll grow again. I learned so much about life and about myself there, and I'll learn again.

Dua setengah tahun ini akan jadi perjalanan yang berat. Minggu pertama ini saja sudah terasa sangat berat. Gelar terakhir saya kemarin pun justru tidak membuat saya jadi ongkang-ongkang kaki, tapi justru memacu saya untuk belajar lebih giat lagi karena ekspektasi orang lain terhadap saya tentu jadi puluhan kali lebih tinggi, begitu pula ekspektasi saya terhadap diri saya sendiri.

Whatever it is that I'm going to face for the next two, three years, I know it will be worth it. If things get bad (though I hope it won't), I just need to take a deep breath and remember why did I want to do this in the first place.

Saya harus terus ingat bahwa setelah ini, saya bisa melakukan lebih banyak hal daripada yang bisa saya lakukan sekarang. Saya bisa melakukan hal-hal yang saya sukai. Saya bisa memberikan diagnosis, memberikan terapi, dan membuat orang merasa lebih baik. Saya bisa membantu lebih banyak keluarga dan membuat diri saya jauh lebih bermanfaat. Saya bisa merealisasikan mimpi-mimpi saya satu persatu. Jadi, ketika nanti saya mulai jenuh menjalani kuliah yang berat di saat teman-teman saya yang lain sedang bersenang-senang, saya harus ingat, bahwa setelah ini, ada tujuan besar yang akan saya capai. Ada kesempatan besar yang akan terbuka lebar. I know I feel happiest when I do things that matter, so there's that. Something I definitely should hold on to when things get bad.

The latest picture I took in UI with my brother and cousins. I've conquered it, and I will again.

And hey, I've come this far. Farther than I thought I would ever be. So whatever it is that I'm going to face, I'll try to remember that nothing is ever beyond what I can bear. I won't be facing it alone anyway, since there's Someone who will always, always look out for me and make things easy.

To Live A Meaningful Life

Dear Future Ayas,

Please remember that a few days ago (current time, not future time) you shared a conversation with an Indonesian friend that is also studying at York. He has worked for Indonesian government for several years now, and he told you stories about Indonesia.

It's a similar story that you have heard several times, actually. He's been to many remote areas in Indonesia and witnessed a lot of issues. Poverty, corruption, poor quality of education, you name it.

He told you about a small village which has only a school where the teachers had not been paid for 3 months, yet there was a band invited to the amuse the people in the village and they got paid for 500 million rupiahs.

He also told you about the way his friends who work in Customs & Excise, who has corrupted hundreds of millions and don't even feel guilty about it anymore.

He opened your eyes and lit it up at the same time - because you did realize that you want to do something. You didn't know what you could do exactly, but you knew you can't just ignore those facts.

Dear Ayas,

Whatever happen in the future, please remember that you once had a dream that you could do something for your country. That you could do something to make every child in your country to receive the same quality of education and have a happy life at home. That you believed that it could then alleviate the problems of Indonesia, as the lack of education seems to be the root of all the problems.

Whatever you do in the future, please remember that your dream was to make a change and help people, not to gain a lot of money.

Please remember that money and possessions are not the only criteria to measure success. So you'll also remember that it's okay if you couldn't make more money than most of your friends. It's okay if you choose not to buy designer bags and pricey shoes, or eat at fancy restaurants. It's okay.

Dear Ayas,

I do hope that you won't see this post as something silly and naive. I hope you will keep the idealism and find a way to make a change. I hope you still remember that it's a meaningful and content life that you're after, not a glamorous one. 

You just have to figure it out. Or maybe by now you have?

A Reminder

Dear Ayas, or the future version of Ayas, 

There are times when you hate your life. When you perpetually compare your worst day to other people's best, or at least what appeared to be their best day based on what they post on the internet. There are moments when you abruptly forget all of the blessings that Allah has showered you with abundantly. Times when you sobbed without any obvious reason. Times when you feel like things are not going as you planned, and that you have chosen the wrong path, even though that path sure looks appealing. There are also times when you feel profoundly lost and suddenly don't know what to do. When you covet what your friends have that you don't, and feel that somehow it is unfair. 

When those days come again, please, please remind yourself to be thankful for everything that's going on in your life. There is a reason behind everything, and there are good things waiting for you ahead - things that are already planned by Allah. And remember that you'll be just fine, no matter what. 

And please remember that about two years ago, Aa Gym, a prominent Islamic preacher, told you this in one of his speeches: 

"If you want to be truly happy, you have to learn to feel happy for other people's blessings."

And lastly, please do remember that some of your friends also covet what you have. That it's actually humane to want things that we can't have at the moment, or to long for things that other people  have achieved. The neighbor's grass will always look greener, dear, but that shouldn't stop you from watering your lawn. 

Keep doing what you do, and make yourself and other people proud of you. No matter what the evil part of your brain think, you're doing great. And I'm proud of you. 

About A Young Girl and A Couple

A couple came to a dinner, along with their three lovely children. The husband went straight to see his friends, who invited him to the dinner. The husband talked with his friends, laughed happily, and ate together with them. The wife took cake of the children. The wife sat with all of them in the corner, fed them, and saw them play. The wife sat there for a few hours, waiting for the husband to finish his little reunion.

A young girl, who apparently knew nothing about life, observed. Don't get her wrong - she is not a feminist who doesn't want to do the "woman-part" at home. There was nothing wrong with what the wife did, she thought. But she just doesn't want to grow like that.

She wants to be a wife that can be her husband's friends' friend. She wants to be a wife that can be involved in her husband's life. She wants to be a wife whose husband involves her in his life, and wants to be involved in her life as well. 

If that's not too much to ask. 

Have a Little Faith!

My mom said that I'm always more mature than my chronological age. That's obviously not a bad thing, but it also means that I think a lot about things that should not bugging me in this age. I think too much about attaining my goals and about ways to tick my check-lists.

"You should not think about those things too much. You're still so young!" is probably one of the most common thing that people told me, whenever I start babbling about my apprehensions about tomorrow. A lot of people has told me about enjoying my "now" and have fun more. But I guess it's just part of who I am. 

I'm occupied with dreams that I have. I'm enjoying my present, but I have doubts about my future, especially about those that are beyond my control - some dreams that seem unattainable. I'm the kind of person who makes herself ready for the worst-case-scenarios by imagining the worst thing that could happen, and even the idea of it scares me.

I usually have faith, but for some goals I don't know how to attain... I don't know. Will it makes me gullible to believe in something that seems irrational? Is it possible that Allah will grant my prayers and give me the best if I'm still far from good? And don't have what it takes to change?

On the other hand, I do believe that with His permission, anything could happen. Anything. I just have to wait patiently, and keep praying. Yet I might still feel insecure until I finally see the light.

When?

When you are in your twenties and have graduated university, everyone around you suddenly talks about marriage and stuffs. Everybody starts asking the "when" questions, repeatedly. Everywhere.

It's not that I'm not interested with the topic. I am. Everyone in my circle probably know that I'm into young marriage. It's just.... Weird to have that conversation when you're in the phase when you feel lost and are not sure about your next move. It's a little weird and uncomfortable to always get questions that you can only answer with a smile or laugh upon your face, isn't it?

"Are you ready?" is even worse. Because it is a real question, unlike the "when?". I've received this question twice this week, both from people who are willing to take the next step if answer it with a yes. Two woman who got worried with my plan to get a master's degree abroad, while I'm still single.

And... I don't know. I thought it would be perfect to get married right after college, but somehow I don't want to get married with still having an "unfinished business". Who knows what will happen next? Who knows if I no longer have time to pursue my dream because I'm going to prioritize something else? 

On the ther hand, delaying marriage could make it even harder for me to meet the right guy. It's sad, but true. I'm a girl. I live in a conservative country, and I'm a girl.

And it's really hard to answer these kind of questions and to make a plan when everything is so blurry and, well, blank and empty.

I am twenty. I'm at the beginning of the "mate-selection" and "settling down" phase. I'm also in a point where I get enthusiastic to build a career and to pursue my dreams and education. Twenty-something is the age when we are gullible enough to think that we can rule the world and be anything that we want. 

I just want to be happy in whatever path I choose to go through first. And I still want to excell in both. Realistic or not, I guess it depends on how far will I go to make it true.

"Are you ready?"

"How can I be ready to start a family and to take care of someone else, when I'm still not finished with myself?"

Reminisce, and Be Proud!

I just read some old posts I wrote in this blog during high school, which I changed into drafts a year ago to make it private. I realized how silly I was. Too blunt, too naive, too frank. Too hopeful, too expressive. Trying too hard to write in English, and ended up not doing it the right way. Treating the blog like a personal diary, with too much, way too much personal information written, and unnecessary things to be shared as well. Blabbing about the boy I like, although I know he is going to read it anyway. Too impulsive, too childish. Too high school. And whenever I read it, I feel ashamed that I used to think like that.

I wanted to delete all of them, but then I remembered how I regret tearing up my childhood/adolescence diary (after being so sure that my mom read it), because I cannot remember some details of my life afterwards. And after doing it a few times, I realize that learning about your old version is a good thing, because you will now how much you have changed. It feels so good to know that you have changed in the way that you always wanted to. It feels so nice to realize how passionate you were to be a person you are right now.

Give yourself a break. Sometimes, when we are heading to a place far, we also need to make sure how far have we left. Our goal might still be far, but maybe we have been through a long trip already. Look at your old journal, read some essays you wrote more than two years ago, find some notes you have written about what did you want for your future self. Reminisce the memory. Then compare and analyze. Some of them might not change and might not turn out the way that you wanted to be, but you will find out that you're heading the right way. And you will be so thankful that you are.

Give yourself a break. Don't be too hard on yourself. It might still be a long, winding road, but hopefully, a few years from now, your future self will be even better than your present self.

Take it easy. Stop saying that you're not doing things well enough. Stop giving the pressure to your self. Reminisce, and be proud of yourself.

Of course by now you know that it's myself that I'm talking talking to, right? But it could also relate to you, if you ever feel the same way.

Chase everything that's on your list, but be easy on yourself.

Frankly Speaking

"Lo mah enak ya Yas, tinggal minta jodohin sama nyokap."

"Ya gue kan pengennya juga yang nggak se-kayak-lo gitu Yas, ketinggian juga."

Frankly, I have doubts too. I have apprehension that things won't go as I planned. That I will end up doing something I always said I will never do. That I am just not good enough for those who I perceive as good enough for me. That I have unattainable expectations.

I have questions, too. The "what ifs" one. The "why is my life so easy - was He planned something all along" one. The "am doing the right thing" one.

Because, really, who knows if I'm just being too naive. I have faith that I'm doing the right thing so He will grant me my desires, but who knows?

"Laa hawla wa laa quwwata illaa billaah."

That's actually all I can say right now.

However, as my belief always keeps me going, I still believe that I will always get astounding things because no one knows me better than Him. That, in this case, someday I will meet someone I've been praying for. Not now, but in the right time.

Hopefully i'm still realistic and not being too naive.

Don't lose your faith just yet.

Anything, Not Everything

After graduating college, I go into the right place to both work and learn. With the atmosphere that I've told earlier, my workplace is comfortable yet still challenging. I work in a place where it seems like it's okay to stop. But a little voice told me that okay is not enough. To be okay means being ordinary, and it's just not enough.

I love my job, but I miss being a student. I know teaching children is something I'm good at and passionate about, but that's not the only thing I want to do in life, and I have to explore other things I also might be good at while I still can. Moreover, I miss doing research and being 'forced' to think critically, to analyze things and such. I miss reading about theories and recent discoveries. I miss having passionate dreams and making plans - both the impracticable and the well-thought-out one.

So I reassure myself: One year is enough. The happiness I felt from working might be abundant, but there is something else that I want to achieve. So I have to make the best of this year, and then stop being complacent, and start learning something else.

"I understand that you want to do a lot of things right now. It's like you're fasting for your whole life, and now you got an opportunity to only eat a plate of food that you chose," said someone who once interviewed me for a job, knowing that I must have wanted to do a lot of things in life, since I've just graduated.

Well, I do have a lot of things that I long so much. I want to be a psychologist. I want to be a professor who are admired and loved by her students. I want to be the only specialist in Islamic psychology in Indonesia, especially in Islamic parenting. I want to teach and educate people. I want to be the person who is respected because of the knowledge she has. I want to work with children and help them to make their future better. I want to make a family psychological clinic in a big mall. I want to make a school that teaches every thing I values in life. I want to be a loving wife who has time to support her husband. And more importantly, I want to be the perfect mother who will always be there to educate her children.

But you know what they said? 

You can be anything, but not everything. With hard work, I can achieve some of the things that I dream of, but not all of those.

For instance, being a good wife and a good mother contradicts with being the-bright-professor.

Some feminist might say that a woman should pursue her dream and never worry about her role as a 'woman'. Some say that don't worry to not get a man to spend your life with, because there will always be a man who is not afraid to stand beside you, not only in front of you. But for me, the most important role that I will have in the future is being a mother and a wife. And if I exert myself to succeed academically, such as by getting a PhD in psychology, I might not be able to be a good wife and an outstanding mother - in a conservative way.

I thought my dreams are specific enough. But no, I still have to narrow it down. Which one is going to be on the top of my priority? What kind of psychologist do I want to be? Will I be focusing on parenting and Islam, or change it a little since I'm also have a big interest in special kids? Which one should I prioritize, being a psychologist (which mean I have to continue my study here), or being a specialist in science first (so that I could find scholarship and study abroad)? How many more years of my life should I spend to reach my dreams? When do I have to stop and focusing on my family? I still got a lot of things to figure out.

I will be in my twenties in a few months, so I have to start making a (more) tactical plan, and things has to be more settled by then.

And I wish Allah's still willing to give me more and more blessings, because I can do nothing without them.

Good luck on chasing our dreams! :)

About The Little Ambition

As I wrote before, being a special education teacher has taught me a lot, because I have to apply those theory I've studied for the past 3,5 years in real live. I've learned how to treat children with autistic spectrum disorder, how to be patient while working with children, how to discipline children and be consistent with every rule we've made, how to give the balanced amount of love and discipline, how to explain things based on the kid's cognitive level, and other how-tos.

I also enjoy observing the kids. My latest interest is asking the kids to draw a person, family, or house-tree-person. Yes, those are some of the drawing that are used as psychological tests, that, believe it or not, can actually determine someone's personality. I obviously can't make a proper interpretation yet, but I took a picture of their drawings and save it, so I might study about it later, after I become a psychologist and therefore able and am allowed to interpret it.

I also learned how family structure and involvement could really, really affect kids' development. The facility that the parents give is important, but not as important as the parents' willingness to help their kids and to always be there for them. I already knew it, but now I know that it matters that much - especially with the kids that have special needs who always need to be helped by adults. So here's my note for the future-me: always put your kids first - no matter what.

I know that being a teacher doesn't sound so fancy, and I know some people think that an-UI-graduate is way too good to be one, but I'm grateful to chose the job. Being a teacher means helping some kids be a better person. It also one of the job that can help me reach heaven, because my religion taught me that the beneficial knowledge that a person left in the world will still be counted as a good deed even if that person has passed away. And I know I know that the experience will give me a lot life lessons that I will need: how to be a good psychologist, how to be a good wife, how to be a good mother, and how to be a better person. 

I would gladly do this every day, but here's the thing: it might not be enough for me, because I have an ambition too, to be a child psychologist in 2015. I've made that plan since I was still a freshman. And here's the thing: I might be messy and unorganized, but when it comes to decide and do things, I always stick to my plan, and work my tail off to get what I planned to.

So yes, making a decision whether to try to stay for one more year or to stick to my plan is a one hell of a decision to make. I know that if I extend this for a year, I will get more new things to find and learn, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I'm not sure if I'm ready to postpone the dream, and to change the plan I've made. I won't be changing the dream, actually, but only putting a pause in the middle of it. But still, I'm not ready to do that.

I have no idea what to choose, and what would it affect me in the future. I love this job, but I hate not to complete my plan on time, that's all I know for now.

__

During my job interview, my boss, knowing that I'm still 19 and have finished my study faster than the normal period, asked me, "are you a high-achiever?"

I took a long pause, because I actually have no idea. And then I replied, though doubtfully, "I don't think so."

But right now, I guess that I am. If the idea of postponing a dream for just another year scared me this much, maybe I am. I always know that I'm a driven person, but I just realized that maybe I'm just a little too ambitious. I don't know if that's good or bad, though. But I sure know how to get past this: to find as many good things as I could that I would get if I chose to make a little change in the plan. 

Three years ago, God slapped me in the face and didn't let me to get what I want for the first time in my life. I was so sad and frustrated, realizing that it was unfair and that I deserved to get it, but then I try to get up and do something: I try to choose another path. Today, if I think about that moment in my life, I can say that I'm so grateful that He did that, because I know exactly what I'd miss if I stick to my old plan. I finally found out that the way I was walking through is better than the way that I once wanted to walk through. It also taught me to be resilient and to always look for the silver lining.

So please, yaa Rasyid, The Guide, please guide me to the right path. Please do show me which way is better for me and prove it to be a better one.

After all, You know me better than I know myself.

Tentang Pacaran dan Menikah

Melihat rangkaian tweet dari beberapa orang yang saya follow di Twitter yang sedang giat mengampanyekan anti-pacaran (misalnya ini dan ini), saya jadi gatel pengen nulis sesuatu.

Saya nggak mau pacaran.

Karena dididik oleh kedua orang tua yang sangat menjunjung tinggi nilai religiusitas dan karena saya sekolah di Sekolah Dasar Islam Terpadu yang juga sangat menjunjung tinggi nilai yang sama, saya tahu kalau saya nggak mau pacaran sejak SD. Cuma ya karena namanya juga masih labil dan kaget dengan dunia luar, ketika masuk SMP dan SMA negeri dengan pergaulan yang bener-bener beda dengan ketika saya masih SD, saya nggak berani bilang ke siapa-siapa, selain ke orang tua saya tentunya, yang selalu ngingetin anaknya untuk menjaga pergaulan meskipun udah nggak di sekolah Islam lagi. Saat itu, saya setakut itu dianggap aneh, dianggap punya pola pikir yang tidak logis dan berbeda dengan pola pikir kebanyakan orang. Ketika SMP dan SMA, saya sibuk mengamati lingkungan dan perlahan-lahan mengikuti apa yang lumrah dilakukan di lingkungan saya. Saya jadi punya dua norma sosial, norma teman-teman dan norma orang tua saya - karena standarnya bener-bener beda. Akibatnya, kalau kualitas dan kuantitas ibadah saya digambar di grafik, saya tau banget pada masa-masa ini pola grafiknya menurun drastis. Di masa-masa itu, meskipun hati kecil saya masih yakin kalau pacaran itu nggak baik, ketika ditanya mau pacaran apa enggak one day sama temen atau keluarga saya (selain keluarga inti tentunya), jawabannya pasti jadi "Kalo bisa sih nggak pacaran, tapi nggak tau juga deh. Kalaupun pacaran nanti aja, kalau udah mau nikah."

Ketika kuliah, entah kenapa saya makin mantap untuk nggak pacaran. Mungkin karena saya sudah gerah ngeliat beberapa temen saya yang sering banget gonta-ganti pacar dan tetep gatel nyari back-up meskipun udah punya pacar yang dirasa cocok. Atau karena denger ada yang bilang, "Nikah? ya nggak mungkin juga lah gue nikah sama dia" ketika ditanya kapan akan melangkah ke jenjang berikutnya dengan si pacar. Atau karena ada yang pacaran dengan orang yang beda agama sambil berkilah kalau pacarannya kan untuk sekarang, bukan untuk nanti. Bisa juga karena saya mulai tau kalo pacaran itu pasti ada bagian 'bandel'-nya. Saya jadi makin yakin kalau pacaran hanya akan menukar waktu saya yang terbuang dengan dosa yang besar. Kalau pacaran (di usia saya) itu ya hanya untuk main-main dan seneng-seneng aja, bukan untuk cari calon ayah atau ibu untuk anak-anaknya nanti. Kalau pacaran itu kebanyakan dilakukan hanya untuk mengisi rasa kosong dan sendiri karena teman-teman yang lain pun kebanyakan sudah punya pasangan. I do feel alone sometimes, and sometimes I wonder how it feels to have someone that I can always rely on. But I'm also fine with being alone as I enjoy being in solitude, and I have my family and my best friends to go to if I want some company - so why do I need a boyfriend right now (other than to accompany me to go to weddings)? 

Akibatnya, ketika di pertemuan Psikologi Keluarga ada satu orang dosen (yang sudah sering masuk televisi dan cukup ternama dalam soal psikologi keluarga dan percintaan) yang bertanya apakah ada yang nggak mau pacaran sebelum nikah, saya langsung mengangkat tangan. Dari sekitar 100 peserta kuliah dari dua kelas, rupanya hanya beberapa orang yang berani mengangkat tangan, meskipun saya tahu, pasti ada lebih banyak yang sebenernya nggak mau pacaran.

"Kamu kenapa nggak mau pacaran?" si dosen bertanya pada saya.

"Karena menurut saya pacaran lebih banyak kerugiannya daripada manfaatnya, Bu. Dan karena orang tua saya nggak pacaran, dan masih baik-baik aja tuh hubungannya sampai sekarang. Bahkan di antara keluarga besar saya, menurut saya orang tua saya itu yang paling sehat hubungannya."

"Emangnya kamu sama kayak ibu kamu? Emangnya suami kamu nanti sama kayak bapak kamu? Emangnya kalo nanti kamu nggak pacaran terus menikah, ceritanya bakal sama dengan orang tua kamu?"

Waduh, panas banget saya rasanya. Ini kok dosennya sensi banget sama yang nggak mau pacaran. Ini kan pilihan, hidup juga hidupnya saya. Tapi karena kalau ditanggapi takutnya ada emosi yang ikutan sehingga saya jadi nggak bisa menyampaikan argumen dengan asertif, saya diemin aja dosennya. Bener aja, setelah itu si dosen membahas kohabitasi dengan gaya santai - seolah-olah itu adalah hal yang benar untuk dilakukan namun memang tidak sesuai dengan norma moral yang berlaku di Indonesia. Setelah itu, saya hanya tersenyum pahit dan mengambil kesimpulan bahwa si dosen ini pengetahuan agamanya pasti dikit banget dibandingin dengan pengetahuan psikologi dan logikanya.

Ada satu hal yang nggak dimiliki sama dosen itu, yang bikin dia skeptis banget sama jawaban dan pendapat saya, yaitu kepercayaan. Percaya sama Tuhan kalau jalan hidupnya akan lebih baik, percaya kalau kita melakukan hal baik pasti akan dibalas dengan yang baik, percaya kalau doa bisa membuat hidup kita jadi lebih mudah untuk dijalani, percaya kalau ada kekuatan besar yang mengatur hidup kita, selain diri kita sendiri.

Saya percaya itu. Orang tua saya percaya itu. Orang tua saya sepercaya itu sampai memutuskan untuk menikah tanpa melihat wajah satu sama lain terlebih dahulu. Iya, ibu dan ayah saya baru pertama kali bertemu saat selesai ijab kabul, setelah resmi jadi suami-istri, sebelum duduk bersama di pelaminan. Ketika ayah saya datang melamar, ia hanya berbincang dengan keluarga ibu saya. Ibu saya cuma ingin ayah saya lolos 'seleksi' dari orang tuanya. 

"Kenapa Ummi sama Abi nggak ketemu langsung? Kan nggak apa-apa kalau ada yang nemenin (maksudnya kalau nggak berduaan aja)? Kalo nanti umi nggak sreg gimana pas udah nikah?" tanya saya waktu itu.

"Kalo soal kualitas, Ummi percaya sama Oma dan Opa. Kalau mereka bilang baik, ya berarti baik. Ummi juga percaya sama ustadz yang menjodohkan, karena pasti menurut dia kami cocok, makanya dijodohkan. Dulu Abi bilang sama ustadznya, 'saya mau cari istri yang bisa menemani saya di akhirat, bukan cuma di dunia.' Lagi pula, kalau Ummi ketemu terus mukanya jelek, Ummi takut jadi mundur semangatnya. Kalau ganteng, Ummi takut niat nikahnya jadi berubah. Eh alhamdulillah Un, dikasih Allah yang ganteng juga."

Luar biasa ya orang tua saya. Kalo sampe segitunya saya nggak yakin bisa ngikutin. Saya tentu saja mau berbincang dulu dengan calon suami saya nanti (kalau misalnya saya juga ngelewatin proses jodoh-jodohan). Insya Allah penampilan nggak akan memberikan pengaruh banyak, tapi saya perlu tahu pola pikirnya. Saya perlu tahu apa yang jadi visi hidupnya, serta nilai-nilai yang dianut. 

Alhamdulillah, rasa percaya yang dimiliki sama kedua orang tua saya dan niat baik untuk melakukan ibadah serta kerja keras yang dilakukan oleh keduanya membuat semuanya jadi lancar, sampai sekarang. Ini yang bikin saya yakin kalau pacaran nggak akan menentukan kualitas hubungan setelah menikah. Yang namanya menikah itu ya harus belajar menyesuaikan diri dan belajar ngalah, bahkan kalau sebelumnya sudah pacaran bertahun-tahun. 

Insya Allah, Allah akan kasih cerita yang sama buat saya nanti. Nggak tau kapan, nggak tau sama siapa, nggak tau gimana ceritanya, tapi saya yakin cerita saya dan keluarga masa depan saya juga akan indah. Indah pada waktunya.

Maka saya selalu berdoa, selesai shalat tahajud, ketika berbuka puasa, dan ketika berada di depan Multazam, karena Allah berjanji akan mengabulkan doa hamba-Nya di waktu/tempat itu. Saya selalu berdoa agar Allah memberikan saya pasangan dan anak yang shaleh dan sesuai dengan segala kriteria yang saya punya - yang semoga tidak terlalu banyak dan masih bisa diterima sama Allah. Saya berdoa agar bisa berkumpul dengan keluarga masa depan saya di saat yang tepat. Saya nggak pernah minta ketemu jodoh cepat, karena saya toh belum mau menikah saat ini. Saya berdoa agar dipertemukan di saat yang tepat, agar juga bisa dilanjutkan dengan tepat. 

Sambil terus berusaha agar menjadi wanita yang baik, karena pria baik itu untuk wanita baik, dan wanita baik itu untuk pria yang baik.

Masih waktu subuh. Tetap kabulin doa saya ya, Allah? :)

To Be Around The Kids

It's almost my third week of internship in Cikal, a school with IB curriculum. It's pretty different from what I imagined earlier, actually, because I have to be with year three kids, not with the kindergarten or pre-kindy kids. I don't get a lot of responsibilities either. I just have to help decorating the classroom, observe the kids in year 3A, help them with their worksheet when they can't do it or don't know the english for some words they want to write, accompany them during the library visit or PE time, and stay with them when their parents or drivers haven't picked them up yet.

Anyway, I really enjoy my internship. I actually don't like the way that I treated at first, but I really enjoy observing children, so I guess that's fine by me. After doing the internship, there is one thing that I can conclude: I really, really looooove being around children. Well, especially the one who talks english because it just sounds really cute. These kids are also pretty smart and think critically, because that's how they taught since they were in year one. They are lovely.

Today, a kid asked me about the ID that I wore that said 'intern'.

"Miss, intern itu apa?"

"In bahasa Indonesia, it means 'magang'. Have you ever heard of that word?'"

"No..."

"Well, Um... It means I'm not actually working here. I'm still learning. I'm just gonna be here for like a month."

The kid looked shocked and yell, "just for a month? Why???"

"Because i have to go back to study," I said.

Then another kid comes all of the sudden and hugged me tight.

"Noooo! Don't go!"

I just smiled and said nothing, because I really didn't know what to say to them. It's pretty complicated, I guess.

Then she asked me, "Miss masih sekolah?"

"Aku kuliah"

"Really? But you look like a grown-up!"

"Yeah? Well, It's actually my last year, so I will work soon."

"Will you work here?"

"Yesss, please work here miss!"

I'm really touched, and I can't handle it anymore. I really really want to work here. I know how much I love children and I know I can teach them. I know it's going to be an amazing thing to do. It will also help me to be a better parent in the future, right? Hihi

But let's see, I can't just work here for a year. I won't get the whole experience if I did. But If I worked here for too long, I'm afraid that I will forget my dream, to be a child psychologist. To help kids and their parents with their problems. To build the family clinic of my own, the super-cool one like I saw in some movies.

And I suddenly have no idea about what to do after I graduate. I know one thing for sure: I do want to work with kids. I want to make them grow up better. I want to help them to be a grown-up with a good quality in the future.

I know that I want to be around children all the time, but I still don't know which setting will I choose: a school, or a clinic. I like talking with one kid at a time, listening to their story and trying to understand their point of view - but I also like to talk with a bunch of kinds and see the way they interact with each other. It's a whole different experience. 

I guess I'm in doubt again. I'm just gonna wait for another sign, I guess.


--
Up date: I looked up Cikal's website and found out that they need some school psychologist, and they are required to be child-clinical psychologists, not some educational one like I thought before. So, I guess that was the sign for me, to stick with my plan - to be a child psychologist as soon as I could. And after being one, maybe I could work in school or else. Not by being a teacher, but by being a psychologist. It's a win-win solution, right? Amin, amin! :_)

A Start

Sibuk memikirkan dua cerita yang kembali terulang. Capek, sampai akhirnya kembali acuh. Benar yang dibilang Mary Alice Young: "In the end, most people decide to only trust themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned." So my life goes on. Karena daripada terus berusaha menyelesaikan masalah sendirian dan nampaknya tidak berhasil, saya lebih suka memikirkan cara agar masalah itu tidak mempengaruhi hal-hal yang sedang dikerjakan.

Lalu mulai galau lagi. Galau masa depan. Galau skripsi.

Memantapkan diri untuk mikirin topik skripsi dari sekarang, bikin skripsi awal semester depan, selesai skripsi akhir tahun ini. Mungkin saja perjalanannya akan penuh liku, tapi kalau mereka bisa, kenapa saya tidak? 

Lalu wisuda di awal tahun depan, kerja sebentar, lalu kuliah lagi di pertengahan tahun depan.

Perjuangan menuju impian masa depan semakin dekat saja. Takut, tapi sangat excited di saat yang bersamaan.

"The fact that you know your dreams is not enough. It is not good, living with the fact that you have it in you. You have to think of measures to manifest your dreams and be brave enough to pay the price of it," kata Paulo Coelho.

So this is a start.

"Man proposes, God disposes." 

Then please do dispose this one as I proposed, dear God.

March Updates

Apa kabar?

Sudah lama sekali ternyata sejak terakhir kali saya menulis di sini. Saya ingat pernah beberapa kali menulis, tapi ujung-ujungnya saya cuma bisa mencet tombol 'delete' yang lama, sampai halamannya kembali kosong seperti semula. Setelah bertahun-tahun percaya kalau menulis merupakan salah satu cara yang paling efektif untuk nenangin diri, sekarang saya lebih suka nonton film atau tv series sampe saya ketiduran di depan laptop. Kebiasaan yang nggak ada bagus-bagusnya, apalagi kalo sampe lupa waktu - iya saya tau kok. Tapi yasudah lah, untuk urusan yang satu ini ujung-ujungnya saya selalu kalah sama diri sendiri.

So, A lot of things happen in March. For starters, I did two new things I never thought I would ever do. Dua-duanya dilakuin cuma karena ingin menantang diri sendiri, cuma karena penasaran dan takut nyesel kalo nggak nyoba. Bukan karena ingin menang, karena needs of achievement saya memang tidak pernah setinggi itu. Pada akhirnya, tujuan saya tercapai. Saya nggak menang, tapi saya berhasil melawan diri sendiri yang selalu takut untuk keluar dari zona nyaman. Saya tau saya harus pelan-pelan menghilangkan label 'safe-seeker' yang saya pasang sendiri di kening saya.

Bulan ini saya juga mulai sibuk mempersiapkan masa depan. Well, bukan masa depan yang 'itu', tapi masa depan yang menyangkut kehidupan pekerjaan saya nanti. Saya yang belum sepenuhnya bisa nerima kenyataan kalau akhir semester ini sudah harus magang dan semester depan sudah harus mulai bikin skripsi, akhirnya mulai mencari-cari tempat magang dan topik skripsi yang menarik. Topik-topik psikologi selalu bikin saya tertarik dan amazed - tapi saya tahu saya jatuh cinta sama psikologi anak usia dini dan psikologi keluarga. Dua topik itu sebenernya punya irisan yang juga sangat saya minati, parenting. Saya juga tertarik ngegabungin dengan hal-hal seputar agama, maybe because I was raised that way. Tapi entahlah, saya baru ngobrol sama satu dosen jadi belum bener-bener bisa mastiin nanti mau neliti apa. Yang jelas, saya juga tau kalo saya nggak boleh terlalu idealis kalo mau lulus cepet - kalo mau lulus tiga setengah tahun dengan indeks prestasi kumulatif yang juga di atas tiga setengah.

Dosen yang saya ajak ngobrol adalah salah satu dosen favorit saya yang mengajar beberapa mata kuliah yang juga jadi favorit saya. Dia juga yang jadi mental image di pikiran saya ketika saya membayangkan diri saya sendiri beberapa tahun ke depan: A lecturer, a child psychologist, and of course, a mother. Ada beberapa dosen yang saya kagumi karena terlihat begitu pintar, tapi saya lebih senang ngeliat dosen yang keliatan banget sisi nurturing-nya.Yang keliatan banget kalau dia itu, selain wanita karir, juga ibu yang baik untuk anaknya. Simply karena that's exactly what I want to be when I grow up.

Ngobrol dengan si mbak dosen ini, saya jadi makin mantep dengan cita-cita saya itu. Saya makin mantep untuk lanjut profesi klinis anak. It's not gonna be easy, as she told me. But I know it will be worth it. Tinggal banyak-banyak berdoa aja sama Allah supaya ini bener-bener jalan yang tepat buat saya dan supaya jalan menuju ke sana nggak berliku. Ngebayangin hal kayak gini emang selalu bikin saya semangat.

Terima kasih untuk Maret yang menyenangkan, Allah. Saya tunggu kejutan-kejutan dan pintu-pintu lain di bulan April, ya.

Another Fear

'Abis ini mau ke mana, kak?' jadi pertanyaan favorit saya saat saya ketemu senior-senior yang baru lulus sidang skripsi. Ada yang langsung ngerti arah pertanyaan saya, tapi kebanyakan menjawab dengan beberapa aktivitas seperti pulang, makan-makan, atau pergi sama temen. 'Bukan,' saya biasanya me-restate pernyataan saya, 'Maksudnya, dalam hidup. Abis ini mau ngapain?'

Pertanyaan itu saya ajuin, selain karena iseng, karena saya ingin tahu, senior-senior saya yang hebat-hebat ini, yang berhasil lulus 3,5 tahun dengan tetap aktif di kegiatan nonakademis ini, mau jadi apa setelah lulus nanti. Saya ingin tahu, apakah orang-orang yang sebentar lagi akan diwisuda ini udah tau dan mantep dengan masa depannya.

Karena saya masih juga belum yakin. Saya tahu saya mau jadi apa - tapi saya nggak tahu apakah itu pilihan yang tepat dan yang paling baik buat saya, dan apakah saya bisa jadi apa yang saya mau.

Beneran deh, the idea of future always scares me. The idea of (almost) being a senior year student juga. 

It gets worse because it's like everyone's new favorite topic. Di kampus, di whatsapp, di twitter - bahkan di rumah. Mau bikin skripsi tentang apa? Mau jadi apa? Mau langsung kerja atau lanjut S2? Mau kerja kantoran nine-to-five nggak? Mau magang di mana? Mau nikah umur berapa? Udah punya bekal apa aja buat jadi istri dan ibu? 

Terlebih lagi, temen-temen saya sekarang udah mulai merintis karir. Nggak segitunya sih, tapi banyak banget yang udah mulai ngelakuin hal-hal yang sifatnya lebih serius. Atau ngerencanain untuk ngelakuin hal-hal yang sifatnya lebih serius, secepatnya. Saya? Saya masih terjebak di zona nyaman yang sama. I'm grateful to be in a place where I'm needed the most, actually, dan so far saya ngerasa saya mengambil keputusan yang tepat - tapi saya ngerasa hidup saya kok gini-gini aja.  

Fakta-fakta serta pertanyaan-pertanyaan dan pembicaraan-pembicaraan yang semi-serius itu bikin saya takut. Karena setelah lulus nanti, saya akan bener-bener jadi orang dewasa yang mandiri, seharusnya. Beda dengan ketika ada di penghujung SD, SMP, atau SMA - di mana yang harus saya pikirin cuma sekolah atau universitas apa yang bagus, dan gimana caranya saya bisa ngelanjutin studi di sana. No, this one is totally different. Kalau saya sudah lulus nanti, rasanya mungkin akan jadi seperti abis dikurung di dalem rumah selama 19 tahun, dan sekarang dibolehin untuk keluar. Atau seperti belajar terbang selama 19 tahun, dan sekarang lagi ada di ujung jurang dan akan didorong, either untuk terbang atau untuk jatuh. Kalau kayak gini (kalau lagi gini aja loh ya), saya suka iri sama temen-temen saya yang masih semester dua - yang bahkan masih adaptasi dan masih nebak-nebak, whether they're already on the right track. 

But this is life. We cannot undo things - we just have to face it. Saya nggak bisa bohong tapi kalau saya takut. 

Kalau lagi begini, saya lebih seneng stay di rumah. Masak, apa aja. Atau ngobrol-ngobrol sama keluarga. Dengerin cerita Mawla, nguatin Awwaab soal kuliahnya nanti, temu kangen dan diceramahin sama Fari, atau curhat dan diskusi sama Umi dan Abi. Entah lah, tapi mungkin di saat saya masih bingung sama masa depan saya, saya tahu kalau saya nanti akan punya keluarga. Saya akan jadi istri, jadi ibu. Setidaknya, jika saya ngerasa belum bisa nyiapin diri untuk jadi wanita karir dan semacamnya, jadi anak rumahan bikin saya bisa nyiapin yang satu itu, entah dari segi skill memasak atau beres-beres, atau dari segi persiapan mental - dari obrolan santai-tapi-serius sama orang tua saya.

Lagi-lagi ini antiklimaks. Saya cuma lagi bingung dan takut, dan saya butuh tempat untuk menuliskan apa yang ada di pikiran saya. 

Masih satu hingga satu setengah tahun lagi.

Nggak ada lagi yang bisa saya lakuin selain berdo'a supaya semuanya akan jadi baik-baik saja, seperti biasanya.

Allah, tetep bantuin saya, ya. Tetep dampingin saya supaya selalu ada di jalur yang benar. Tetap pilihin yang paling baik buat saya, ya.

About The Perfect Dream

Some of my friends are now in a relationship with a guy who actually is not their type. They said they wanted to be with a religious, not overprotective, smart, or neat guy - while their current boyfriends are far from those criterions.

My mom once said that we can't say that we really don't want to be with some kinda guy - because they might be our future mate. My auntie didn't want a guy who smokes, until she met my uncle and fell in love and suddenly didn't remember about the smoke thing. My mom herself didn't want to be with a Padangnese guy, but she eventually ends up with my dad, a Padangnese guy, though he's not following any of the tradition that my mom thinks are ridiculous. Besides the race, I think my dad is perfect for my mom - in fact, I think they are perfect for each other - and they could win a trophy for one of the best couples that ever existed.

That makes me think.... Are the lists made only to make us daydream? Is it impossible to meet a guy who has everything that are on our lists? Can we be with the kind of person that we plan and we want to spend our life with? Can we? Can I?

Like almost every single person that I have known, I have a list – some criterions – some things that could make me be in love. Those might be similar from my dad – well, I kinda believe that every girl wants to marry a guy who is like her dad, anyway. I will write down the list because I want the future me to read it back, so that I could remember what I want when I was this young and didn't know anything about life.

The list starts with the most important thing: religion. My future husband should be the one who can make me a better person, who can guide me to the right way, who can help me dicipline my future kids based on what is taught by our religion, and simply who can read Quran well and beautifully. He has to be a good Muslim – in every aspect.

He also has to be smart. Being smart isn't always about grade – it is more than that. It could be the broad knowledge, or the good problem solving skill, or the ability to see things from different point of view. In my opinion, smart people are easy to fall in love with, are the right person to talk to when we had problems to be solved, and could plan the future well. Happiness isn't always about money, but we need money to fulfill our needs. That's why I want to be with a guy that has bright future – at least he is planning to have a bright future and will try hard to make that happen. I don't need a guy who is very rich because of his father or family - I just need one who is a hard worker and know what to do in his life. It's not that I'm a materialist, I am just a realist.

I can't fall in love with a guy who is really handsome yet doesn't have some great quality. I mean, physical appearance is not so important for me. But of course, it would be nice if he's good looking or charming, although it's really subjective. And though he's religious, I want him to still care about his appearance – he has to know how to dress well and appropriately, though he doesn't have to know fashion. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t agree with the saying ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ I do judge a book by its cover. It’s normal, because that’s why we got eyes, and that’s why graphic designers are for. But I do believe that the judgment cannot only be made by how it looks – it has to consist by a lot of other things. Before reading a book, it’s okay to judge it only by its cover – but after finish reading it, the cover become not as important as the story, the language, and everything else anymore.

Besides those, the guy has to be connected to me in some way. It's an uncertain and an unexplainable thing, which kind of person that we can connect with. That we have chemistry with. We just know.

Those things are important for me. I can't fall in love with some guy who doesn't have those qualities, I can assure you that. That's why it's not easy for me to fall in love with a guy. I always want much. I'm a perfectionist.

I even have some more criterions. It's not rigid, but it would be nice if my future husband could also have those. First, because I want a guy with different point of view, it would be nice if he's very logical. My mom and dad are a great couple, and I guess one of the reason why is because they complete each other – my mom is very social and my dad is very logical. That's why I think it would be even better if my future husband study things that are pretty different from me – maybe economy, or engineering. I also want to be with a guy who loves his mother and have siblings. Having siblings, especially younger ones, will teaches us how to be patient, to be a good role model, to be fair, and to share. A guy who has a younger sister is even better - because it will also teach him how to protect someone they love unconditionally. Last, I want to be with a guy who isn't looking for a girlfriend who he can have fun with  - but is looking for a wife-to-be instead, who he can spend his entire life with.

Yes, I know it's really much to ask. That, and some facts that I mention earlier, makes me wonder: could I meet and be with that guy?

I know it's still a long way to go. But being around some young-adult friends who are starting to think about their future (including marriage), I also start to think about mine. I always have the fear, to not get the perfect man. I know that whoever person that I would end up with is the perfect guy for me because it's all arranged by Him, but I'm afraid he will be too far from what I always expect. Because I always expect things way too much.

I'm afraid that I won't meet a guy that completed everything that I listed. It gets worse because in college, I only meet few guys, and no one is above my expectations. I'm afraid that that kind of guy is not exist.

Until I met one, few days ago. I know it's too soon to judge, because we only talked about professional things so I don't know anything about him yet. But there is something, something that makes me just know. He completed everything that's on my list. Every single thing! I know he also have flaws because no one is perfect, but I suddenly didn't care about it.

I'm really happy about the meeting, I really am. I can't even lie to my friends that I found that guy interesting. I even told my entire family. But I know we could never meet again, so I expect nothing. That's fine, because meeting him is already a pleasure to me. It opens my eyes, that there is always a person who suits me well. Who has good qualities. Who looks perfect in my eyes. I shouldn't worry too much.

Then another question popped up in my mind: Can I be someone’s perfect girl? Can I complete someone's future-wife criterions? Can I be perfect in someone’s eyes? Am I good enough to be with the perfect guy that I always want?

Then I remember one thing that Allah promises, that good women are for good men and good men are for good women. If I wanted to get a good guy, I have to be a good person as well. I have to complete the list I made myself, and do even better. Much better. I have to work on myself first, before I think about what I want from other people. Get my duties done first, and then I could ask for my rights.

So, while praying to get a perfect mate for ourselves, let's try to be a better person. We want to be good enough or more than good enough to a guy who we think is perfect, don't we?

Now I know what I will pray for everyday, to be good enough for a good guy.

Self-Concept

Beberapa hari yang lalu Adik saya, Awwaab, dapet laptop gratis dari kontes di LaPiazza. Dia dengan impulsifnya ikutan dan seyakin itu akan menang. Di kontes itu, dia nyapa orang-orang yang nggak dia kenal dengan gaya sok kenal, terus direkam sama temennya. Begitu denger ceritanya, saya cuma ketawa, takjub, dan bilang: "kamu hoki banget sih!" sambil sedikit iri. Kemudian, saya nanya ke dia, kenapa dia mau-maunya ikut kontes gituan. Kan malu. Apalagi dia bilang videonya diputer di tengah mall. "Ya karena hadiahnya laptop. Lagian malunya kan sekali doang," gitu jawaban dia. Tadinya saya kira kontes ini cuma diikutin sama sedikit orang, tapi ternyata banyak yang ikutan. Saya makin heran, kenapa dia bisa-bisanya mau ikutan.

Di titik itu, saya sadar. Adik saya mungkin memang beruntung karena di mall yang sebelumnya belum pernah ia datengin itu ternyata sedang ada kontes berhadiah laptop. Tapi bukan keberuntungan yang bikin dia bisa dapet laptop. His courage and his willingness to take risks do. Coba kalau posisinya dituker - saya yang lagi jalan di mall itu. Meskipun yang ikut kontesnya baru tiga orang yang berarti chance saya buat menang cukup besar, saya yakin banget kalau saya nggak akan nyoba. That's because I'm afraid to do something risky. Because I'm a safe seeker. Because I overthink everything.

(Yes, we're not just talking about winning a laptop anymore).

Dan karena saya selalu takut gagal. Takut salah. Takut nggak bisa memenuhi ekspektasi yang dibuat oleh diri sendiri, yang biasanya memang terlalu tinggi karena saya orangnya banyak mau. Ditambah lagi karena saya sering ngebandingin diri saya dengan orang lain. I compare both positive and negative sides, tapi yang akhirnya bener-bener saya pikirin ya perbandingan kejelekan saya dengan kelebihan orang lain. Si ini bisa itu, saya kok enggak. Dia orangnya begini, saya kok enggak. Oh, and I only compare myself with the people I think is relatively better than me. Nggak sehat banget yah, iya saya tau, tapi mau gimana lagi dong.

Saya, yang seumur-umur selalu dapet nilai tinggi di kategori kecerdasan Intrapersonal dari teori kecerdasan ganda-nya Gardner, tiba-tiba ngerasa jadi orang yang sama sekali nggak kenal diri sendiri. Saya bahkan kebingunan untuk nge-list kelebihan dan kekurangan saya, dan nyesel kenapa saya nggak nyatet dari dulu supaya refleksi dirinya jadi lebih gampang buat dilakuin. Self-efficacy saya jadi cepet banget turun. Entahlah, mungkin ini tanda-tanda pre-adult crisis kali yah, though I'm pretty sure that there's no such thing as that.

I still got some time to think. Or, not thinking - as I already overthought almost everything. 

Tentang Dua Ribu Dua Belas

Sudah bulan Desember, dan saya belum juga tahu apa yang akan saya lakukan di tahun 2012. Sebenernya hanya ada dua opsi besar buat saya – nge-BEM (lagi) atau enggak. Tapi gitu lah, banyak alasan yang bikin saya mikir berkali-kali, buat bilang iya atau enggak – meskipun percakapan dengan beberapa temen bikin saya tertampar kalau saya belum punya cukup alasan untuk bilang enggak. Kalau saya harus nggak jadi orang yang egois untuk hal yang satu ini dan mulai mikir ‘apa yang bisa saya kasih ke orang lain ketika saya sudah mampu untuk memberikan sesuatu’ daripada ‘apa yang bisa saya dapet’. Lagian kalau saya berhenti nge-BEM, saya bakal ngapain? Jadi mahasiswa teladan yang kuliah-pulang-kuliah-nugas? Saya nggak yakin mampu. Tapi kalau nge-BEM lagi, masih ada beberapa hal yang mengganjal saya, baik dari segi personal maupun profesional. Entahlah. Mungkin by the time saya akan punya solusi dari kegalauan ini. Atau mungkin saya akan jadi impulsif untuk bilang iya/enggak? Entahlah. Karena katanya hidup itu adalah apa yang terjadi ketika kita sibuk membuat rencana.

Satu hal yang harus saya ingat (makanya saya tulis di sini supaya someday bisa jadi pengingat) adalah bahwa apa pun yang saya lakukan dalam hal nonakademis tahun depan, akademis harus tetap jadi prioritas utama saya – apalagi karena tahun depan saya sudah akan jadi mahasiswa semester enam dan akhirnya jadi… Mahasiswa tingkat akhir. Ngeri yah? Tahun depan saya sudah akan bikin skripsi. Lalu lulus, kuliah lagi, dan jadi Psikolog Klinis Anak. That’s the plan. Buat urusan yang satu ini, saya harap semuanya bisa berjalan sesuai rencana. Sesuai ekspektasi saya, sesuai yang saya mau. Makanya, saya harus ngeluangin banyak waktu di tahun depan untuk mulai serius mikirin masa depan, mungkin dimulai dengan mikirin topik apa yang sebenernya bener-bener saya suka dan akan saya teliti untuk Skripsi.

        

Saya harus mulai sadar kalau saya sebentar lagi akan lulus dan akan membuat keputusan-keputusan penting yang akan sangat berpengaruh pada masa depan saya nanti.

           

Intinya, tahun depan saya mau jadi orang yang lebih dewasa. Nggak boleh lagi defensive, terus-terusan ngejadiin umur sebagai alasan. Karena ketika sudah lulus nanti, udah nggak ada yang peduli umur saya berapa. Udah nggak ada yang bisa mentoleransi sifat atau pikiran yang kekanak-kanakan lagi. Ini nih yang bikin the idea of ‘lulus’ sampe sekarang masih nakutin banget buat saya. Tapi saya nggak bisa ngehindar terus, ya kan? The future is indeed scary for its uncertainty, but we have to face it anyway.

Saya harap saya bisa jadi orang yang lebih baik tahun depan. Saya harap tahun depan saya bisa dapet banyak pelajaran baru, seperti yang terjadi pada tahun ini. I’ve been through a lot this year, but I got so many things to be learned as well. Saya yakin kalau saya sudah jadi orang yang sedikit banyak berbeda (in a good way) dengan saya yang tahun lalu – dari segi akademis, nonakademis, bahkan hingga personal.

Kalau tahun ini saya bisa, tahun depan juga pasti bisa. Iya, kan?

To Be A Good Cook, And Even A Better Mom

Beberapa hari ini, saya sedang menikmati hobi yang hanya bisa saya lakukan sekitar dua minggu dalam setahun: memasak.

Di postingan terakhir saya memang banyak mengeluh. Even Charlotte York ngeluh dan butuh time out kok meskipun dia se-sayang itu sama anak-anaknya. Agak aneh emang analoginya, but you got my point, right? Ngurusin pekerjaan dapur emang melelahkan dan nggak ada habisnya; selalu ada piring kotor, makanan yang harus dimasak, peralatan masak yang kotor, dan piring kotor lagi setelah selesai jam makan - begitu terus selanjutnya. But everything is worth it when you see the look of your family's face when they are eating the meal you cook, and saying that you're a good cook.

Karena belakangan akrab banget sama dapur, saya jadi ngeh kalo masak-memasak akan jadi lebih seru kalo ada beberapa peralatan masak yang di-upgrade. Beli baru maksudnya. Misalnya aja, karena wajan di rumah saya udah mulai suka lengket kalo dipake, alangkah indahnya dunia kalau ada wajan baru yang dari teflon.

Tapi terus saya mikir, ngapain juga saya minta beliin wajan mahal-mahal, toh nanti kalo mbak saya pulang saya udah males ke dapur lagi. Toh nanti kalo udah mulai sibuk di kampus udah nggak sempet masak lagi.

And then it hits me.... What if I always become 'too busy' for my whole life? What if I don't have time to cook for my family? Bayangin aja, abis ini saya S2, terus abis itu kerja (nulisnya sambil bilang 'Amin'). Gimana kalo nanti saya jadi ibu-ibu yang kalo pembantunya nggak pinter masak lebih prefer buat beli makanan di luar terus? Gimana kalo anak saya nanti cerita ke temennya kalo ibunya jarang banget masak? Gimana kalo saya jadi nggak bisa ngajarin anak-anak saya buat masak (dan shalat serta ngaji, seperti yang udah saya tulis sebelumnya)? Gimana kalo anak perempuan saya nanti bahkan sampe nggak bisa masak nasi tanpa rice cooker?

Jadi ibu yang baik dan sempurna buat seluruh anggota keluarga emang nggak gampang. Nggak akan pernah gampang. Apalagi buat working moms - nggak akan gampang buat bagi perhatian untuk urusan kerjaan dan urusan rumah. Mungkin saya harus belajar dari sekarang. Mungkin saya harus lebih peduli sama urusan rumah, sesibuk apapun saya di kampus.

(Calon suaminya aja belum ada, udah mikirin ginian, coba.)

To Be Good, To Get Good

Saya nggak pernah tertarik sama cowok-cowok ganteng yang saya liat di pusat perbelanjaan, di tempat makan, di tempat wisata, atau di tempat lain semacamnya. Well, ganteng sih, tapi kok sayanya biasa aja. 

Temen saya pernah nge-tweet: 'nggak tahan sama cowok yang pake baju koko.' Saya nggak minat nge-retweet kayak temen-temen saya yang lain, karena menurut saya itu juga masih biasa aja. Cowok pake baju koko pas shalat jumat, shalat tarawih, atau pas lebaran? Ah, biasa.  

Tapi saya bener-bener nggak tahan sama mereka yang mojok di pinggir masjid sambil baca Al-Qur'an. Lengkap dengan baju koko. Apalagi kalau lagi i'tikaf. Apalagi kalau baca Qur'annya sesuai tajwid dan makhraj yang benar. Apalagi kalau bacanya dengan tartil, dengan suara yang merdu. 

Mereka itu, menurut saya, benar-benar one of a kind. 

Suami idaman. Eh. 

Tapi, seriously, begitu pertama kali ngeliat cowok-cowok dengan Al-Qur'an di tangan saat saya sedang i'tikaf tahun ini, yang ada dipikiran saya pertama kali adalah, 'bisa nggak ya dapet suami yang kayak gitu?'. Dipikiran sederhana saya, yang bisa ngaji dengan baik dan benar (dan dengan nikmat) hanyalah mereka yang benar-benar belajar membaca Qur'an. Mereka yang belajar agama. Mereka yang mencintai Al-Qur'an. Mereka yang mencintai agamanya - dan akan berusaha untuk tidak melenceng dari semua yang diatur oleh agama.  

Pertanyaan yang ada di benak saya itu nggak ada yang bisa jawab, tentu saja. Tapi ibu saya pernah bilang, 'kalau kamu mau dapet calon suami yang kayak gitu, kamunya juga harus kayak gitu.' 

"Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women" - QS An-Nur (24:26) 

Well, I hope I'm good enough to get a good man someday. And I'm on my way to be better, to be a much better person.