About Tying The Knot

It turns out the last time I wrote something on my blog was more than a year ago. A lot has happened in a year. Like a lot, a lot. Like I-freaking-get-married, a lot. A year ago, I’d laugh if someone told me I’d be married within a year – but I did. Even weirder, I got married within 6 months with someone I barely knew, through a process called ta’aruf. And this blog post is all about it – to answer some questions I often get. A little disclaimer: This post is quite lengthy, so prepare yourself.

What’s ta’aruf?

If you haven’t heard of it, it literally means “introduction” in Arabic. But to put you in context, it usually means a process of getting married without dating; in a short period of time.

How does it work?

So basically, there are two mediators (in my case, my mom and his ustadz) who communicate and ask to exchange our CV. Ideally, the mediator is the one who knew the person really well (and can attest to their quality). My mom sent some background information about me through WhatsApp (I didn’t know anything about it) and she did receive a CV from him. My mom didn’t let me know because: 1) I kept telling her that I don’t want to get married before finishing my second post-grad while at the same time telling her that I might change my mind if I met the right guy; 2) She doesn’t want to hurt my feelings if I know she send my CV and the guy didn’t respond. She’s kind of sweet like that.

The CV contains any basic information you would find on a regular CV (organizational experience, educational background, job history, current salary), added with some other things, like what does that person seek in a partner, his life goal, his marriage goal, his family, etc.

Normally, when both parties are satisfied with the other parties’ CV, they decided to meet (accompanied by the mediators). In my case, as I didn’t know any of it, my parents decided to meet with him first, to make sure whether he’s someone I'd be interested to meet. A few weeks after, I met him, accompanied by my parents.

Is this something that you plan? Something you know you’d do to get married?

Actually, no. I wasn’t planning to date (I haven’t dated anyone before in my life), but I wasn’t planning to marry a stranger either. What I had in mind is to meet a great guy that completes all my checklist and just get married without all the dating-drama, but of course, life can’t always be planned.

Why did you agree to do this?

The most important reason is because of my parents, my role model, a living example that ta’aruf works. They met through the same process and they have the healthiest relationship I know. They got married not knowing each other, and now they’re inseparable.

The second reason is that I want a partner who’s going to get me closer to Allah. A partner who’s going to be a good father for my children. In order to find that kind of guy, I believe that I have to set my feelings aside and put on my logical hat.

Ta’aruf works for a reason: Because both parties agree that Allah is capable of anything, including turn someone’s heart and plant love in it. Because both parties share the same strong religious values and agree that any kind of problem is bearable if we wear the same glasses to see that through. Same book, same rules, same God. If you don’t believe in that, then ta’aruf is definitely not for you.

How do you know that you’re not buying a cat in a sack?

Well, as an aspiring psychologist, I was taught to interview and observe people. So that’s basically my main tool – I prepared a question list and tried my best to be observant. I also asked some of his friends and family about him; about what he’s like and what his flaws are. He also did the same thing. Additionally, I included all of my family members to be the judge. If one of them said no, then I might too.

Throughout the process, can you say ‘no’ if you find out something you don’t like about the guy?

Of course. The ta’aruf process takes place until the day of Akad. There’s a lot that could happen, and that’s why most of the couple who do ta’aruf don’t announce their wedding until at least two weeks before the D-day. Throughout the process, my parents kept asking me whether I still want to go on and reminding me to do the istikharah prayer to strengthen my decision.

How was it when you met for the first time?

It was actually not as terrifying as what I expected. My dad opened the “meeting”, but we didn’t need help to continue the conversation. Both of us asked plenty of questions that we wrote on our phone. One thing about ta’aruf is, everything’s clear. No question is off-limits, because we both know where we are going with this since our first meeting. And even better, as someone who’s terrible with small talks, we can go straight to the deep conversation as early as possible.

So I asked him about his aspirations in life, his relationship with his family, his view on women with high degree and a good career, his view about the role of husband and wife, and his opinion on parenting. Meanwhile, he asked me about my vision on marriage, the way I’d treat his mother, and how do I express my anger, among other things. We also talked about political views and religious beliefs.

How often did you see him or contact him?

We met officially about five times before getting married: One time with my parents (only the four of us), one time with my whole family, once with his family, once during the engagement, and once about two weeks before the wedding (when I was in doubt and need to make sure a few things). But we met on a few other occasions related to the wedding-preparation.

He didn’t want us to directly contact each other, but I asked him to, because I need all the chance I can get to get to know each other and make sure that we’re right for each other. So we chat through WhatsApp quite regularly (though only to discuss important matters, nothing personal or affectionate at all), and we talk through a phone call once (when we kind of had a fight). That’s all, folks!

Did you have any doubt in the process?

I did, actually. Repeatedly. A lot of things make me feel too worried, from certain qualities I found out about him that I don’t really like, to questions from my friend who never knew anything about ta’aruf (Questions like... “Are you really sure you want to do this?”, “how would you know if He really is a good person?”, “Are you in love with him yet?”, etc.)

What was the biggest obstacle?

Myself. I was never in a relationship before, and my parents raised me to be ambitious and independent. Somehow it affects me to put a high expectation on people. It's hard for me to accept people's flaws. Until I realize that perfection just doesn't exist. I'm not even perfect myself; so who am I to expect it from others?

So how did you learn to accept his flaws?

My mom taught me to stay focused on his strengths, while remembering that he accepted all my flaws, too. That work even better than I thought. Luckily he doesn't mind me complaining (or at least he pretend not to), because marriage is also about growing together, right?

How did you talk about financial issues and other matters that are quite personal and yet is important to talk about?

We didn't have that conversation in detail before we get married. I know it's important, but I didn't want to seem too materialistic (since we didn't know each other well back then). But once we became a spouse, we had the conversation right away. It wasn't awkward at all because we both know about a husband and wife's rights and obligations in Islam.

How much did little things (like snoring or any other habits) matter in your decision making?

I didn’t really consider small things, because I divide my criteria into two categories: major/unchangeable and minor/changeable. I wouldn’t take anything under the minor/changeable category as a deal-breaker, because it would be unfair to. I put it under my to-complain-list, though, haha.

How could you be sure that he’s the right guy?

Honestly, I was never sure. I’m very logical, so it’s hard for me to be sure of something with lack of evidence. I’m also quite ruminative. The “what if” questions keep popping in my head, running around. What if he’s now someone he said he was? What if it’s just for show? What if I make the wrong decision here? What if everything I know is wrong? What if just another jerk? Etcetera.

Whenever I was in doubt, I reminded myself of what I look for a partner. It’s hard to say no when all of my checklists got ticked. 

Someone told me that love comes with consequences. There are consequences that we have to take if we want to be with a certain kind of person. For instance, if you want to be with a smart and independent woman, then you have to accept that she will be a bit stubborn. Someone also told me that whenever I see the bad in someone, know that at that very second, that person might see the bad in us, too. Another someone told me that if she wants to marry someone that fits her perfectly, she’d marry herself.

See where I’m going with this? Perfect guys don’t exist. People come with their own strength and baggage. It’s not like I’m perfect, anyway.

What are the things that you find helpful to banish all the doubts?

I found it helpful to talk to people who got married through ta’aruf, talk to people who are happily married and talk to my parents (who happen to be both). Luckily, I’m surrounded by a lot of people who are wise enough to help me see things through.

Another thing that works is, of course, talking to Allah. I pray for him to always shower me with blessings in life and hereafter and protect me from harms. Keeping myself busy also works, as it prevents me from overthinking way too much.

In the end, I decided to just let things be. If the process is trouble-free, then perhaps it’s meant to be. In the end, I realize that no matter how much I use my logic to come up with reasons why this ta’aruf-thing won’t work, the universe keeps reminding me that even being where I am today with so little effort is beyond logical. That there really is Someone out there answering all of my prayers; watching me, guiding my every step, opening doors of opportunities, closing doors I don’t need, protecting me from harms, and making things easy for me. That I became the person that I am today not only because of me and what I do, but also because Allah has been helping me through it all. And He will continue to do so if I keep my faith strong and let Him do His wonders. So in the end, I kept reminding myself, why do I need to worry? When all my life, He has never wronged me, not even once?

And how is your marriage now?

This is too early to tell, and too long to describe in detail. But I assure you, I didn’t regret my decision. If not through ta’aruf, I don’t think I can meet a person this good. This pious, this patient, this kind, and this selfless; cause I haven’t found any guy like him in real life. And of course the fun thing about getting married this way is, every day after we get married, we learn something new about each other. Things get exciting that way. There are obviously some awkward moments as well, but only for the first few days. No big deal.

Any tips for anyone who is planning to do this (or is going through ta’aruf)?

Keep your faith strong. Keep reminding yourself what your marriage goal is, and what kind of person will be most suitable to walk with you towards that goal. Set your criteria in order, from the most important to something that's just a bonus. If you need someone to discuss your problems with, pick some friends who are familiar or comfortable with ta’aruf process; ideally those who have gone through the same thing. Lastly, never stop praying. Ask for His guidance and protection, and I guarantee you, you’ll feel a lot better.

I wish I could share a lot more, but this post is too long already. Hopefully this might help you understand ta’aruf better. Ask away if you want to know something I haven’t explained here!

What 2016 was About

I don't really celebrate new years, but I do take them as a chance to pause and think about the things that I have done for the last 12 months. My 2016 was not as amazing as 2015 (when I had the chance to live independently and away from my comfort zone), but it's still a good year for me.

My 2016 was about coming home.

It was the year I learned to appreciate the presence of those who will always support and love me, even when I'm not so lovable. 

It was the year I found out what it was like to return home realizing that everything stays the same when we're the only one who's changing.

My 2016 was about pursuing my dreams.

It was the year when I started working for an inspiring, prominent minister for 6 months, being surrounded with people with great minds and hearts. The year I stepped out of my comfort zone once more, doing a job I never thought I'd do.

It was also the year I left something I enjoy doing to do something that's even better. The year I realized that it's a meaningful life that I'm after, and even if I have to spend 2 and a half years working my ass off to achieve that, so be it.

My 2016 was about honesty and acceptance.

It was the year I really learned to be assertive and to stand up for myself, to really start embracing all the things I feel proud of myself. It was also the year I learned to accept my flaws. It's the year I started to love the ambitious, anxious, awkward being that I am.

It was the year I granted myself a pat on the back and appreciated the fact that I've come a long way. The year I noticed that I'm not really the same person I was a few years ago. The year I learned that not all friends I have are meant to stay forever. To grow apart is inevitable sometimes, and that's okay.

It was also the year I started writing in a journal again, admitting things I never had the courage to before. The year I stopped being so pretentious, even to myself. The year I listed all the things that I fear the most. Because everything that's shareable is indeed bearable, I believe.

A glimpse of my 2016

My 2016 was about discovery.

It was the year I met new significant friends and new role models. The year I discovered another comfort zone, and saying goodbye just to find another one. The year I traveled a lot, both for business and leisure. The year I found some awe-inspiring books, despite reading 8 books less than the Goodreads goal.

My 2016, however, was not always sunshine and roses.

It was the year I started questioning my life decision. The year I asked repeatedly to myself if I'm after the right thing. The year I kept ruminating about my life. The year I regretted my decision to not disclose something that I felt, that could probably lead to something good. It was also the year I stopped wanting to grow older. The year I wanted the time to slow down a bit, for the first time in a very long time. 

Be that as it may, I learned a lot last year. I changed a little, and I hope for the better.

My 2016, therefore, was about growing up. 

I hope I won't stop growing this year and the next. I hope I could be even happier, by feeling grateful even for tiny little things that I'd encounter. The academic life this year will be tougher than the last, as I was told, so I do hope I'll be even tougher to face it. I hope I'd always remember what I'm doing it for. 

I hope last year did you well, too, and so will this one.

To Grow A Little Older

You know you're getting older when you start focusing on things that matter. When you stop caring about things that look cool but you're not really keen on. When you care less about what people think. When you spend more time with people that you know are going to help you to be a better person. When you are no longer obsessed with being accepted by people who aren't. When you start accepting your flaws and embracing your strength. When you feel proud about who you are, regardless of who you're not.

So I know I'm getting older when I'm no longer the girl who worries about raising her hand in the class. The girl who has nothing to say. The girl who regrets not answering a question in the class when she turns out to be right. The girl who's afraid to be wrong. The girl who's afraid to be judged, to be looked down upon, to be laughed at, to be stared at. I've changed a little, and I think my maturity has something to do with that, along with the experience I've had in the real world.

You know you're getting older when you can't help but ruminating about your life and the future. Over and over again. It gets worse when you're an overthinker like I am. Even worse when it's only a few days away before you turn a year older.

I used to be a little obsessed with getting older, as I had always been the youngest-girl-in-the-room for the last 7 years. I thought and acted like a 23 even before I was 20. I grew up too fast, some might say. But surprisingly, when I finally (almost) become 23, I feel a little scared. I'm no longer excited to be older. It's no longer hypothetical now: I really am 23. Just two more years before 25 (though inside I feel like already am). I mean, where did all the time go?

The good thing is, I'm quite sure that I'm exactly where I want to be. Well, not quite there yet, but I need to give myself a break. It's still going to be a long, bumpy road, but at least the journey has been delightful. At least, compared to a few years ago, I'm making progress.

Some prayers are still unanswered, but I won't ever doubt His timing nor plans. He will always be with me, guiding and showing me the way. So why worry, indeed.

About Leaving Another Comfort Zone

Last Friday was my last day at work. I still remembered how inferior I felt during the first few weeks of working in PASKA Kemdikbud, because I have to work with talented, bright, young people who have more experiences than I do.

It turns out, there's nothing to feel intimidated about. Yes, they are smart and ambitious, but they're not condescending, nor do they make me feel stupid and unheard. In fact, I became the most assertive version of myself in the last few months, and I just couldn't be prouder.

The beloved, extraordinary team.

From them, I learned about politics, economy, education, policy making, and everything else that's happening on the news, thanks to our diverse background & their broad knowledge. But further than that, they taught me about life, too. That Allah's plans won't ever be late nor wrong, that sometimes we don't get what we want and we need to be resilient, and that we have to fight for the things that are worth fighting for. They taught me to be more assertive, to not (always) take things personally, to be ambitious in pursuing what I aspire to be, to do something and not just whining about something we don't like, to always make other people (even our subordinates) feels heard and appreciated, and so much more. 

Before I got selected to be a part of the team, I did expect meeting talented, smart, hard working people that I can learn from; but never expected good friends who would listen and accept me for what I am. I never expected having another support system whom I can trust and be myself around. Never thought they would enter the circle I kept small. And yet they did! 

Because even when I become the geekiest, weirderst, most gullible, most idealistic, or most ambitious version of myself, I'd still feel heard and accepted. Even when I felt immature and emotional, they would still be there.

Just in case any of you read this, I want to say thank you for the last 6 months (that actually felt like forever, given the work burden). Thank you for making my first working-at-a-company experience bearable and memorable. And thank you for your kind words at the farewell dinner, which I will definitely hold on to when I'm having a bad day.

I usually hate saying goodbyes, but after saying it repeatedly for the last three years, I don't anymore. Leaving means entering a new world, exploring new things, and meeting new people. It means enlarging the circle even more, and finding another comfort zone. Because goodbye means hello, and that's something I should feel excited about. And it's not even goodbye, anyway, because I believe our paths will cross again someday soon.

As cliché as it sounds. (Source: weheartit)

So even though I have been in mellow mode since the last two weeks, I feel grateful and delighted that Allah had introduced me to them. His plans have and will never fail, so why should I worry about the future, again?

About Trust And Disappointment

This week I learned again that not everyone is a good person. There are people who couldn't put themselves in other people's shoes. People who only care about their own well-being, and simply don't care about anyone else's. People who could only see bad in other people, and good in themselves. These people do exist, whether I like it or not. Whether I could empathize with them or not. Hating them wouldn't do any good, but trusting them would only show how gullible I am.

There are also people who act like they're good and friendly. Like they're trustworthy. People who, in the end, would betray your trust and are actually not on your side, but too afraid to say it on to your face. People you'd put high expectation on, but then you realize you can't really rely on.

If you're lucky enough, though, most of the people you'll meet in your life would be good people. Some are even more special. The kind who's going to listen and be supportive. People who will love you no matter what. People who will help you grow and be a better person. People who matter, and hence worth spending time with and to listen to.

This week, I was reminded again that I will always be the victim if I expect too much from others. That being too nice to anyone won't do me any good.

However, I also learned that being all angry and aggressive wouldn't solve the problem. So would being submissive. Being assertive is the one that would work. Express what you feel with the relevant evidence, give the person a chance to justify their behavior and to give feedback to you as well (because we're not perfect either, obviously), and let them know why you want them to change their behavior. Use the "I-message" strategy, as I seconded its efficacy. So yes, the next time I felt like being mistreated by others, even in other contexts, I promise myself to always do that.

I'm grateful for having the opportunity to work with various types of people. The great one, the annoying one, the mature one, the one who couldn't stop whining, the aggressive one, and the one who goes all passive-aggressive. That way, I have a chance to learn about how to handle different kinds of people and to communicate better. 

It was such an intense week, and yet I learn so much about people and myself. 

The Thing About Studying Psychology

"Sometimes I'm afraid that working here would change my personality."

"Change how?"

"Here, I'm taught to be cautious of people's intention. It's like, whenever I met new people, I'm expected to scrutinize their needs and motivation, as well as to be wary of what they could do that might harm me."

"And that's bad?"

"I don't know. It's certainly useful here, but I know that I can't think that way when I become a psychologist."

"How should you think of people, then?"

"In psychology, there's something called 'unconditional positive regard' - that we have to accept people (or clients) as they are, regardless of what they did. Studying psychology has encouraged me to put myself in other people's shoes. So it's really hard for me to hate anyone."

Empathy (Source)

"Really? How come?"

"We learned to analyze people's behaviors to understand why they did what they did. Chances are, there's a reason. There are bad people, for sure, but I believe that most humans are innately good."

"Even if they hurt you?"

"Even if they did hurt me. I often thought of the plausible explanations that might drive their actions. What they did could be wrong and hurtful, but most of the times I did something wrong, too."

"You're just being gullible."

"Yeah? I don't know, I just feel that most of the time, it's really hard to hate someone who did me wrong, as I'm not perfect either."

"But that could make you the victim. That could actually get you hurt."

"Yeah, I know."

To Be Proud

There are times when I look down on myself. Times when I feel that I'm not good enough. Not smart enough, not kind enough, not working hard enough. Just not enough.

But today is not one of those days. Today, I feel proud of myself. For making it this far. For doing pretty well in the job I'd been so worried about. For being able to stay on track. For showing grit, even when it means going back to school once more. And even for being able to pay half of my tuition fee.

I know that the journey won't be all fun and easy. There will be times when I'm overwhelmed with all the assignments. Times when I feel frustrated and not good enough to be a psychologist. Times when I compare my worst day with other people's best. Times when I question myself and my decision. Just like whenever I tried something new and met a lot of talented people.

There will be times like that, and that's okay. I'm a ruminator, and I'll probably always be one. That's okay though, as I realize ruminating challenges myself to be better. I just need to remember that just like any other thing I've encountered in life, everything shall pass; for Allah won't ever burden me beyond what I can't bear.

I'm working on it. I'm learning to accept all of my flaws, because no one is perfect and I shouldn't expect myself to be. Because all the successful people I've met weren't always happy and successful and got everything figured out. I know what helps, though: asking feedbacks from people I look up to, to help assure me that I'm not as bad as I think I am. To help me become a better,  nicer, more objective judge to myself. Aside from that, keeping a list of things I do well and positive things about me also came in handy. It helps me remember that although I'm not perfect, there really are reasons for me to stop being so hard on myself, as I'm not that bad. Well, chances are, no ruminator is.

I'll always remember to compare myself with no one but me. Yes, I'm still far away from what I long to be, but I've also grown so much over the last few years. And for that, I should be proud of myself.

Today I feel blissful and blessed. A little sad to realize that I might leave the newly-discovered comfort zone soon, yet excited to find a new one. 

The road might not be that easy, but I think I'm ready. 

-

Hope you'll always find a reason to be proud of yourself, too. 

About The One, Inevitable Question

I wrote a few years ago that people started asking the "when" questions after I graduated from college, despite my exceptionally young age. It turns out that the number of questions multiplied after I have had my master's degree. "What else are you looking for?", some asked. "You have everything now. Why aren't you married yet?"

I never took the "when" questions personally. Most of the times, I truly believe that people ask because they care about me, or they were just curious about my plan.

Sometimes, though, the question was asked in a more judgmental tone.

"You need to start thinking about getting married. A girl's biggest achievement is her family. A dad's greatest success is also to witness her daughter getting hitched. That's why it's important to know that life needs to be balanced between career, education, and marriage," lectured a condescending uncle and aunt of mine just a few weeks ago, although ironically, they also have a single daughter who is older than me.

I was quite annoyed, but then relieved. I was grateful when I realized that I have understanding parents who would never pressure me that way. Who understands perfectly that just because I am a high-achiever and very determined to catch my dreams, doesn't mean that I don't ever want to get married. 

While studying abroad, I met plenty of independent Indonesian women who have left the age of 25, the so-called "yellow-light" period for a single woman in Indonesia. I know from their story that unlike the typical alpha-women in the movie, they don't plan to stay single forever. Heck, most of them don't even choose to be single, and it's not like they're unattractive or bizarre in any way. They just haven't met the right person yet, and they won't stop catching their dreams only to ensure that they won't make men feel intimidated.

Some of the Indonesian girls I met in the UK even decided to go abroad to run away from their infuriating family who keep lecturing that the clock is ticking, as if they didn't know about it already! Pressuring someone to do something they actually want to do won't do them any good, that I can assure.

By contrast, I know a girl who decided to get married because she didn't like studying in college and didn't want to work afterward. It's pretty sad to know that nowadays, there are still girls who still think that way. Marriage is not something you choose because you don't know what else to do with your life. Marriage is something you choose when you are ready to be someone's wife and mom. And it's just as hard as work, as it is, work.

Of course, I also have some friends who got married because they have found someone they truly love and supportive of their dreams, and I couldn't be happier for them. Marrying young is a bold decision and I'm proud of my friends who are not afraid (of the worldly reasons) to get married. But not everyone is lucky enough to have that experience, I believe. Allah knows what's best for us, and sometimes He wants to give us more time to explore the world and to find ourselves.

So the next time someone lectures me about getting married, I would just nod and smile (hopefully not contemptuously). I would tell them that getting married is not as easy as buying a new pair of shoes, and that I obviously want to have a family of my own when I have found the right man to spend the rest of my life with. Next time someone tells me that I make men feel inferior (although seriously, I'm not even sure how), I'm going to tell them that I'm quite sure there is someone out there who is not afraid to stand beside me -- to be better together. And the next time someone told me to not even thinking about getting another postgraduate degree, I would tell them that everything I do is to prepare me to be a better wife and mother in the future. Because it takes a clever woman to raise clever children! And because I want to inspire my children; I want them to be motivated because if their mother can do it, they can do so much more.

And next time someone mentions that my parents will not be proud and happy until I got married, I would tell them that a dad's greatest success is not when seeing his daughter marry someone, but seeing her grow and bloom to be an intelligent, independent, happy woman. A mom's greatest success is when seeing her daughter becoming a woman who lives a fulfilling and contented life, who can contribute and be useful to the society, and who can also be a great mother when she had become one.

And in the meantime, I'll meet as many inspiring people as I can, and listen to their story. Then I'll be even more certain that each of us has different goals and timeline. That worrying about the future is unnecessary, because everything has been written down and will work out just fine; as long as we always put the best effort and leave the rest to Allah. That Allah is the best planner, and that He always knows what's best for us.

(Source: Tumblr)

To all the bright women out there who haven't found the right person, just keep going and remember: Allah has promised that good women are destined to be with good men. The right time will come. And in the meantime, enjoy your life and make the most of it. 

About A Fish

There was a tiny fish who used to like to swim inside a tiny little bowl. Not long after, the bowl became too small for her, and she decided to move to a pond for a change.

Once she grew a little bigger, the fish felt tired of the pond. A river seems more interesting, she thought. And although it's a lot more challenging, she eventually learned how to swim through the river.

Until she gets even bigger and it no longer feels right. Why don't I move to the sea, she pondered. She was not the biggest fish in the river, but she was among the big ones.

Source: topit.me

            
She found a perfect sea to live in. She loves the fact that she gets to swim with the bigger fish. She also loves how spacious and interesting the sea is. All the other fish are colorful, too. It was so different!

Until she realized that she was one of the smallest fish there. Everyone else was just so gigantic. They all swam faster than her, too. She suddenly felt like a tiny little fish again. She grew bigger, for sure; but not as big as she thought she was.

The fish wondered if she needs to find a way to enlarge herself. Or maybe she needs to find a way to swim faster. She was perplexed. She just wanted to be as good as the big fish, that's all, but she didn't know how.

She then reminded herself that it's unfair to compare herself with the big fish as they have lived in the sea for years and years. She knew that there are also planktons in the sea, who are microscopic yet crucial to the large aquatic organisms. That she does not have to be the biggest ones, as long as she is still valuable to others.

The fish was a little disheartened and did not feel so good about herself, but she knew she should not. She should have felt so proud of herself for making it to the sea! And she should have known that if she can go to it, she definitely can go through it, too, if she believes in herself.

The not-so-tiny fish realized that she needed to always love herself unconditionally. The life at the sea won't be that serene and easy, she was aware of that. But she didn't have to overthink it. She just needed to learn how to persevere for a little while.

About Time

If there is anything I've learned from the last few years, it's that "Not now" is not a bad thing. It actually means "Hold on, you're getting to the good part." Or "I have something even better planned for you." Or, "I promise you'll get there, but this is important for you to experience."

Just believe that when you look back in a few years, you'll understand why. You will fathom what's so important for you to learn, that your plan needed to wait. And you'll be thankful for it.

Just believe that you'll always get what's best for you. Because no matter how good you are at planning, Allah is still the best planner. Because even though you think you know what's good for you, Allah knows best.

Source: Tumblr

Even when you're getting tired of your life and Allah keeps saying, "Hold on," just keep going and enjoy everything that is bearable, if not good, about it. Try your best to find something that makes your life more exciting and meaningful.

So when He told you, "Not now", just wait for another door to be opened. Be prepared to be amazed. Because He is just that amazing.

So yes, whenever I feel lost, I just have to keep my head up and wait for His surprises. Because He never ceases to surprise me with all the blessings. Because He will always be there for me, as always.

I believe all of that, even though I have to keep reminding myself that I can't control all aspect of my life. And that's completely fine, as that is the job of the Higher-Order who never sleeps nor does his believer any harm.

Because everything is going to work out in the end. Why worry?

About The New Job and The Work-Life Balance

I know I'm not a company kind of girl, so it never crossed my mind that I might work 9-to-5 (or more like 8 to 7) every day. Yet I have been for a month, and I don't dislike it.

This is a new experience for me. Working directly under the minister (as his delivery unit team) requires me to work fast and well, without any excuse. And the more I read and know about the issue I handle, the more I become even more baffled about how to make the education system in Indonesia better, because everything is just so intricate. 

The perks overcome the drawbacks, though. I learn so much from working for the prominent minister for a month. I learn through the way he treats his subordinates, the way he sets examples, the way he talks with such rhetorics, and the way he thinks outside of the box to solve problems. My family is so annoyed now because now I can't stop talking about him. I'm aware that he's also flawed; I'm just thrilled to know that the future of education is on the hand of someone with high values and integrity. And that I got to be a (small) part of it.

It's not just the minister that is delightful to work with. I have a great team consists of smart, ambitious people who are also passionate about education (or at least, about making Indonesia a better country). I love working with people whom I can learn in abundance from. Our background is so diverse, every discussion becomes fascinating. Through them, I learn a lot about policy making and beyond. I also learn that I need to be more assertive and decisive, especially when dealing with powerful people. And more importantly, that I need to always keep in mind that I cannot please everyone, and I shouldn't even try to.

Some of the people I work with.

The toughest part about this job is actually not the job itself, but the fact that I have to commute every day. The train is always so full of people, I can't even stand on both feet sometimes. Being stuck on a train and in a traffic jam on a daily basis make me a bit grumpy and both physically and mentally exhausted. But hey, if thousands of people can survive it, why can't I?

Despite the fact that I do enjoy working, this is not something that I want to do for the rest of my life. I enjoy working too much, I'm afraid I can't stop and balance my life. A doctor that I visited (yes, I went to the doctor for the first time in three years; within my first month of working) was shocked knowing that I had to go to the office on the day I visited her and on the weekend. That moment, I realized that I have been quite a workaholic - and that's not good if I want to have a balanced, content life.

I do love working at a company and I love myself when I work hard for a cause I care about, but I believe I can do that as a freelancer (in this case, as a psychologist) when I have a family of my own. Because prioritize is not about choosing something I like over something I don't; it's about choosing which one of the things I enjoy doing is more relevant to my aspiration. I admire working moms, though, especially if they have to do it to support the family. It's not easy to juggle between work and family, even as a sister and a daughter, let alone a wife and a mother. So, yeah, hats off to those supermoms who can find the work-family balance!

Still a few more months to go. I hope I have enough strength to survive, if not to thrive.

Don't forget to make time for yourself.

The Thing About Life

Funny thing about life: you thought you knew everything about something, but as you learn a little more, you realize that you don't.

You thought you knew exactly what you're going to do, but as you explore a little more, you realize that you don't.

You thought you knew what you want, but as you grow up a little more, you realize that that you don't.

You thought you're so good at something, but as you meet a few more people, you realize that you're not. Not that good.

Because we are not perfect. Because we can't be good at everything. We cannot please everyone. And we don't have to conform and be like everyone else. And that's okay.

Because life can't be all about making a long list and putting a tick in each box. It can't be about drawing a map and hitting the gas to reach the destination. Life is not a race, although some people sure make it look like it is.

Because life, from what I see, is all about the uncertainties. It's all about the surprises. It's all about learning new things and expanding the horizon. It's about the journey, indeed.

And therefore, it is okay to doubt yourself sometimes. It is okay to ponder. It is okay to stumble.

(Source)

It is okay, as long as you still acknowledge and appreciate all the good things about yourself afterwards. As long as you know that your presence matters. As long as you learn and keep going.

Because that, is how you grow.

The Significant People

If I have to be thankful for just one thing in my life, I'd pick the people in a heartbeat. Yes, there are other things that make me feel utterly blessed, but nothing compares to the people in my life.

For starters, I have a wonderful family. A warm, loving, pious family. I couldn't leave the "pious" part because I think it's one of the reasons why our family becomes like we are. Religion is one of the things that glues us together, although sometimes it could also be one of the things that keep us apart (only for a few seconds, though). Religion is one of the reasons why my parents found and love each other (a preacher once told me that loving a person we marry is more important than marrying a person we love, and I couldn't agree more). It's the reason why they have been trying their best to raise their children well. And I really think they have been doing a great job.

So when I think about it, a loving family is not something that's given. Having a great family requires great work and compromise. It requires the parents to listen to their children's opinion, no matter how theoretical it sounds (especially when the oldest child is studying psychology). It requires the children to believe that the parents love them and have their best interests at heart, so the children will listen to everything they said, no matter how discrepant it is from their friends' parents' rules. 

I'm also blessed with my friends. I don't have an abundance of that, but I have my persons. I have people who could always lift me up when I'm not feeling so great about myself. People I could always trust and rely on. People I could always be myself with. People who have been helping me to grow - to be wiser and more mature. People I could spend hours and hours just to talk to. Some I met in the UK, but most of my significant friends are those I met in college. 

For now, it's enough. They are more than enough, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. They might not be enough for a few more years, but I have to keep believing that there's someone out there who can make my surrounding feels more complete. To make it feel even more perfect. 

And hopefully, all the people in my worldly life would also be my people in Jannah. That would be the ultimate contentment.

Update:
I watched a TED Talk about a study conducted for 75 years, which shows that a good quality of relationship is what makes people happiest and live longer. I guess I'm on the right track, then!

What's Yet To Come

It's frightening to realize how fast time passes. Especially when you realize how good your life is at the moment and how scary the future might be.

I learned and did a lot of new things in 2015. I befriended various kinds of people. I travelled a lot more than I have my entire life (I flew 20 times in 5 months!). I even surpassed my reading goal and have started journaling again. This year, I feel challenged and blessed. I feel like I have grown up a little. I feel overjoyed, despite still having all the insecurities.

This year, I learned that when I stop worrying, eventually Allah is going to open a door. He's going to lead me through a path I didn't even know existed. He keeps reminding me that worrying will not do any good. Just trust Him, and I'll always be fine.

I also learned this year that leaving a comfort zone is a necessity, no matter how hard. Of course doing something we know we're good at and being surrounded by kind people who are all familiar are tempting, but trust me, the world out there has even more to offer. 

(Source: Why-ed.com)

Although this is undoubtedly the best year of my life, it's not all immaculate. I also learned to let go this year; to accept that what I think I want might not be the same with what I need. I learned that being grateful that something beautiful has happened will make me a lot happier than regretting it, as cliché as it sounds. Knowing that Allah is the best planner, I also learned to not feel excessively sad about all the things and all the people I have lost. I have been told that there's no such thing as unfortunate events if we're patient enough to see the silver linings. There's always something to learn, something to improve, something that eventually will make us stronger.

A lot of things happened this year. I stumbled and ran. I wept and laughed. I said goodbyes and hellos. I found and lost.

This year, I learned that sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes it's not. I learned that doing meaningful things are what drives me, and the money will just follow effortlessly.

I know I'm ready for a new year. I'm ready to be surprised. I'm ready to figure out why Allah said "no" or "not now." Because I have to keep believing that something beautiful is yet to come.

About Being Superficial

Have you ever thought about how shallow our life is? Because lately I have.

Lately I no longer open Path and Instagram more than ten times a day - just to see when did who go out where with whom. Lately I've been scrolling down my own page to see the things that I have posted, and wonder why did I post them in the first place. Some of the posts are not even news-worthy; meaning, no one would really want to know about it. Some, I even found a little too braggy. Why do I become so shallow? Is it because I want people to appreciate me? Is it because I long for likes, loves, and thumbs ups? Is it because I want my friends to see how perfect my life is? Because, spoiler alert, it is not; and so does everyone else's.

I guess I did post what I have posted just because everyone else does it. It has become the new normal, and it's completely normal to conform. And yes, when I was living abroad, it really was pleasing to see what my friends in Indonesia are up to, just to make me feel like I was not a thousand of miles away. Although in the end, I learned that those friends I had observed have their own problems and insecurities; things that I could not discover online.

Another part of me did it also because I have the need to tell someone about something. It feels good to write my thoughts down or say it aloud, which is why I blogged in the first place. But lately I've been wondering if my personal life is way too available on the internet. Yes, there are many many things that I keep to myself (and/or with my significant others), but a stranger would know a lot (like a lot, a lot) about me if they googled my name. And I'm not even someone. Lately I've been wondering if that's the right thing to do. That's why I have decided to buy a journal and write in the old-fashioned way. I realised that I need to write more honestly in order to regulate myself better; and I need to write them in a personal space where I don't have to worry about being judged.

And frankly, another part of me, of course, posted all those things to maintain the "self-image" that I have apparently created. And yes, sometimes, I retouched a few things and make it look better than it actually is. That's when I feel shallow and phony.

And no, this not the kind of post when I'd write, "I will delete all my social media account" or "I will not use internet ever again". This is simply just a reminder to me, to be less superficial. To hold the temptations to post all the unnecessary things.

If that's possible.

To Make A Change

I have finally got a job - and guess what, it's exactly the job that I've been dreaming of - something I wrote about 5 months ago. 

Ever since I received a leadership training for LPDP, I am well-fed with facts which prove that my country needs a change, as well as a lot of bright and honest people who are willing to do the change. We were told that no, it's not the abundance of evil people that makes a country corrupt and degenerate, it's the lack of good people who are willing to do something about it.

Long story short, I naively want to make a change in the educational system; something with bigger impacts than teaching a few children. And what's better than working with people who make the policy, in order to do that? Luckily, Allah heard my prayer, as always. I asked him to open a door for me after he closed a few windows, and yet he opened a wide gate.

Indeed, He is. (source)

I now work as an educational consultant for the ministry of education. It's not a permanent job, but it's fine considering I'm still not sure about what my next step is going to be. I get to work in a team consists of two other people who are both smart, experienced, yet humble and respect me - two people whom I can learn so much from and I can respect effortlessly. 

Just like any other job in the world, certaintly it's not perfect. There are some people who makes my head dizzy, too. People with long title, high position, yet no intention of doing their best to help people. People who reflects the old saying, "Empty barrels make the loudest noise." People who I have been meaning to ask, "How do you sleep at night?"

Nonetheless, this job is more than enough for me. I will have the chance to learn about the process behind a policy making, to talk to and meet with prominent people in the country, to travel to a few of cities, and, more importantly, to make a change, no matter how small. The job is also challenging, and I need to learn fast in order to keep up because apparently I'm a complete novice - but that's better than being trapped in my own comfort zone, right?

It's a new opportunity, a new journey. I still can't believe how amazing Allah's plan is. I promise to myself that I'll do my best and keep my idealism intact.

This job is a perfect, perfect way to end this incredible year and to start my 22 with. Once again, I am given with more blessings than I deserve. Although this time it is not only a blessing, but also a huge responsibility.

I hope things works out well for you, too.