In The End

It has been quite a bumpy year, filled with self-doubts, insecurities, and countless firsts. And yet I've made it. It's all done, and although I know I could do way better, I have to say I'm proud of myself for being able to tick one big box on my checklist.

And in the end, after being too hard on myself for conducting a crappy research that I couldn't fell in love with (although I did enjoy doing it tremendously), there's nothing more rewarding than having our supervisor told us, "Great job! A lot of judges (lecturer and professor) were really impressed with what you have done. Such an ambitious work for an MSc project!". Ah, and the unexpected poster-winning also felt pretty amazing. It's not the reward or the fact that I made the best poster among all students in my department (including those who did research with EEG or anything else; whose poster look both complicated and sophisticated) - it's the fact that, at last, I have done something right and was appreciated for doing so.

With the poster which I don't really like at first as it has too many words that I just couldn't cut down.

Regardless of all the challenges, this year probably is the best year my life. I did a lot of traveling, met a lot of inspiring people (not to mention new close friends), and learned more about myself.

A snippet of my year. What's not to be grateful for?

I'm still figuring out what to do next. I feel lost and find myself bewildered about which path do I need to choose; what kind of person do I need to be - but aren't we all twenty-somethings are?

I'm all waiting for the doors to be opened. And in the meantime, I'll travel some more, giving myself a reward as deserved. In the meantime, I'll keep whispering to myself, "You're still twenty one. Stop being so apprehensive about life and just try to enjoy it while you can."

Menjadi Ibu

Satu lagi hal yang saya pelajari selama kuliah di UK: Belajar jadi istri dan ibu. 

Selama di UK, saya jadi kenal banyak ibu-ibu yang nggak tipikal. Usianya beragam, dari kepala dua sampai hampir kepala empat. Ada yang sedang kuliah master, PhD, atau menemani suami kuliah atau kerja. Ada yang single mother, ada yang belum juga dikaruniai anak, dan ada yang punya anak banyak. Ada yang selalu keliatan senang, ada yang curhat sampe sesenggukan karena capek ngurusin dua balita yang aktifnya masya Allah, ada juga yang hidupnya keras tapi semangat dan optimismenya lebih keras lagi. Ada yang alpha-wife, ada yang bener-bener tipe wanita-patuh-dan-manis. 

Nggak tipikal karena mereka semua memulai hidup baru di UK. Nggak ada baby sitter, nggak ada pembantu, nggak ada orang tua atau mertua yang bisa dimintai tolong. Nggak ada abang-abang sate atau nasi goreng yang bisa distop kalo lagi terlalu sibuk atau males masak. Nggak ada guru les atau guru ngaji yang bisa dipanggil ke rumah. Semuanya harus dilakuin sendiri.

Mengobservasi dan mendengarkan cerita mereka adalah salah satu kesenangan saya. Some people have real problems, and I think married people all do. Selain masalah burn out, ada juga masalah-masalah yang lebih kompleks seperti masalah rumah tangga atau pekerjaan suami. Masalah-masalah yang complicated dan bikin saya nggak bisa komentar apa-apa karena saya sadar saya masih amat bocah, polos, dan egois untuk sekedar berkomentar. 

Intinya, jadi ibu dan istri itu nggak gampang. Apalagi buat perempuan-perempuan yang berpendidikan tinggi dan punya ambisi. Ada banyak banget yang harus dikompromiin. No matter how bad you want something, your children's needs are going to come first.  Ada mimpi-mimpi yang harus direlakan kalau akan lebih banyak membebani keluarga. Momen-momen yang kayak gini yang bikin saya sadar kalo saya kok rasanya belum siap jadi ibu, meskipun udah banyak baca tentang teori psikologi keluarga dan parenting dan sering dicurhatin sama ibu-ibu. Atau semua wanita pasti akan siap pada waktunya, ya? Entahlah. 

Dari semua ibu yang saya kenal cukup dekat, favorit saya adalah mereka-mereka yang bisa mendapatkan insight sendiri ketika sedang bercerita. Mereka butuh didengar dan butuh mengeluarkan unek-unek sebagai bagian dari cara untuk meregulasi emosi, tapi mereka juga tahu gimana cara nyelesainnya. 

Mau tau strategi coping-nya? Yes, religious coping! 

Bayangin, ada yang cerita kalo beasiswa dan kontrak kerja suaminya nggak diperpanjang, dan tahu apa yang mereka bilang?

"Saya sih nggak khawatir sebenernya, pasrah aja sama rencana Allah. Saya nggak mau jadi tergantung sama manusia."

"Saya percaya Allah pasti akan bukain jalan kok, meskipun ada masalah ini. Jadi saya nggak khawatir."

Dan teman saya yang curhat karena burn-out jadi ibu itu? Well, she planned to have another baby next year. 

"Secapek apapun saya, kalo liat dia capek saya langsung ilang. Rasanya semuanya jadi worth-it deh! Lagian kan ini ladang ibadah saya juga, ya."

Some people have real problems, and they don't even worry about it. 

Because everything, indeed, has been written down. 

Sputnik Sweetheart

John Green once said in one of his vlogs, "maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting." A simple thought which I believe is right, as it portrays displacement, somehow.

Maybe that's why I like these quotations so much. Murakami is not my favorite author, but boy, that man really knows how to write poignantly.

Sputnik (Source)

"Do you know what ‘Sputnik’ means in Russian? ‘Travelling companion’. I looked it up in a dictionary not long ago. Kind of a strange coincidence if you think about it. I wonder why the Russians gave their satellite that strange name. It’s just a poor little lump of metal, spinning around the Earth. 

"And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing."

- Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

There was a bitter smile upon my face after coming across those sentences. Because maybe that explains what we are. Sputnik.