Saturday, August 17, 2013

Just A Prattle

"Pick up three words to explain yourself!"
"Er.... Extroverted...."
"Really? I mean, I can't really see it right now."

That was a conversation between me and someone who interviewed me for a job, who later became my boss. At that moment, I realized that I don't even know three words to describe myself - and that I'm not even sure that I am an extrovert. That's just what those tests told me - the popular psychology tests I took during high school, when I know nothing about psychology yet. 

So, am I?

At this point, I realize that I do enjoy being in solitude, as well as spending hours to talk and laugh with friends. I love meeting new friends, but at the same time, I also find it intimidating. My coping strategy is both sharing my problems to my friends or family and having a me time. But do I enjoy being in crowd or in a party? Not as much as I do when I locked myself in my own room, frankly.

A few years ago, I took a test that analyzed my personality based on my handwriting. Again, back then I know nothing about psychology, let alone about validity and reliability in psychological testing, so I can't really say whether it's trustworthy or not. I was pretty satisfied with the result, though. It said that I am an ambivert - somewhere in the middle of extrovert and introvert. Learning in college that extroversion and introversion is a continuum - not a category, and knowing that every good test should distribute normally in a bell curve (meaning that most of the people took the test are in the middle), I think I might be in the middle of the continuum; an ambivert. From those tests that are based on Galen's theory of personality, I also found out that I am both sanguine and phlegmatic (they balance out each other).

I know it's silly, but I've been thinking a lot about it because it's bugging me lately. Being away from school (where I can meet a lot of people my age everyday), I only have regular meeting with friends I feel really close with. It even comes to a moment when my mom asked who am I going to hang out with, and all I have to say is "Of course you know with whom. Who else?" At that moment, I realized that I don't have a lot of friends. I don't even have a best friend I've known for more than ten years. I mean, I used to be best friends with them, but eventually time separates us. I'm not good with making a long-distance relationship with my friends, so I ended up being really close with those who I can meet every day.

Sometimes, I despise myself for that. It happens a lot when most of my friends posted on Path about their meeting with their best friends from primary school, or anything like that. I do enjoy being in a reunion, but I would prefer a long, warm, talk - and I don't think that it's something that I can do with my old friends, except one or two who still contacted me sometimes to share their problems.

But when I meet those best friends I met in college, I know that quality beats quantity. Having a few best friends who are all mature, intelligent, and good partners to discuss with is a blessing that not everyone could have. Having a few best friends who I can tell every detail of my life with is enough.

Anyways, I think I started to prattle again. As I said, it's just bothering me lately and writing helps me think rationally. And if anyone's reading, if we used to be so close but we're now acting like strangers, it's probably not you. Perhaps it's me. Let's sit and talk, and let's see if we can start over again.

And for those who I still take as my significant others, thank you for being in my life, and thank you for staying.
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