About The Woman I Love

Let me tell you something about the woman I love. Someone strong, bold, and wise. Someone whom I respect and adore. Someone who has taught me to be the person that I am.

Let me tell you something about her. She used to be someone I kept fighting with, because it's unpleasant to grow up with so many rules. I used to think of her as someone controlling and annoying, but as I grew older, I understand that she really is just trying to protect me from a world so cruel.

She is exactly the kind of woman I aspire to be. She taught me to be assertive. She showed me that a woman should not only be a mother or wife, but also someone who can contribute to society, altough the former is absolutely the utmost priority.

The one thing I love the most about her, though, is her effort to listen to my opinion. She's a dominant person, but she understands that her know-it-all daughter wants to be heard. She won't be offended even when I criticize her parenting skills.

She's also a great public speaker. She knows how to inspire people. She knows how to talk to different kind of audiences. She can be really funny, too. She just know how to be an interesting speaker.

She's not perfect, clearly. But neither does everybody.

She is someone I'm blessed to have. Someone I'm striving to be. Someone I'm truly proud of. My mother, my teacher, and my best friend.

Happy birthday, Ummi. May Allah protect and bless you abundantly. 

The Thing About Studying Psychology

"Sometimes I'm afraid that working here would change my personality."

"Change how?"

"Here, I'm taught to be cautious of people's intention. It's like, whenever I met new people, I'm expected to scrutinize their needs and motivation, as well as to be wary of what they could do that might harm me."

"And that's bad?"

"I don't know. It's certainly useful here, but I know that I can't think that way when I become a psychologist."

"How should you think of people, then?"

"In psychology, there's something called 'unconditional positive regard' - that we have to accept people (or clients) as they are, regardless of what they did. Studying psychology has encouraged me to put myself in other people's shoes. So it's really hard for me to hate anyone."

Empathy (Source)

"Really? How come?"

"We learned to analyze people's behaviors to understand why they did what they did. Chances are, there's a reason. There are bad people, for sure, but I believe that most humans are innately good."

"Even if they hurt you?"

"Even if they did hurt me. I often thought of the plausible explanations that might drive their actions. What they did could be wrong and hurtful, but most of the times I did something wrong, too."

"You're just being gullible."

"Yeah? I don't know, I just feel that most of the time, it's really hard to hate someone who did me wrong, as I'm not perfect either."

"But that could make you the victim. That could actually get you hurt."

"Yeah, I know."

To Be Proud

There are times when I look down on myself. Times when I feel that I'm not good enough. Not smart enough, not kind enough, not working hard enough. Just not enough.

But today is not one of those days. Today, I feel proud of myself. For making it this far. For doing pretty well in the job I'd been so worried about. For being able to stay on track. For showing grit, even when it means going back to school once more. And even for being able to pay half of my tuition fee.

I know that the journey won't be all fun and easy. There will be times when I'm overwhelmed with all the assignments. Times when I feel frustrated and not good enough to be a psychologist. Times when I compare my worst day with other people's best. Times when I question myself and my decision. Just like whenever I tried something new and met a lot of talented people.

There will be times like that, and that's okay. I'm a ruminator, and I'll probably always be one. That's okay though, as I realize ruminating challenges myself to be better. I just need to remember that just like any other thing I've encountered in life, everything shall pass; for Allah won't ever burden me beyond what I can't bear.

I'm working on it. I'm learning to accept all of my flaws, because no one is perfect and I shouldn't expect myself to be. Because all the successful people I've met weren't always happy and successful and got everything figured out. I know what helps, though: asking feedbacks from people I look up to, to help assure me that I'm not as bad as I think I am. To help me become a better,  nicer, more objective judge to myself. Aside from that, keeping a list of things I do well and positive things about me also came in handy. It helps me remember that although I'm not perfect, there really are reasons for me to stop being so hard on myself, as I'm not that bad. Well, chances are, no ruminator is.

I'll always remember to compare myself with no one but me. Yes, I'm still far away from what I long to be, but I've also grown so much over the last few years. And for that, I should be proud of myself.

Today I feel blissful and blessed. A little sad to realize that I might leave the newly-discovered comfort zone soon, yet excited to find a new one. 

The road might not be that easy, but I think I'm ready. 

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Hope you'll always find a reason to be proud of yourself, too.