Anything, Not Everything

After graduating college, I go into the right place to both work and learn. With the atmosphere that I've told earlier, my workplace is comfortable yet still challenging. I work in a place where it seems like it's okay to stop. But a little voice told me that okay is not enough. To be okay means being ordinary, and it's just not enough.

I love my job, but I miss being a student. I know teaching children is something I'm good at and passionate about, but that's not the only thing I want to do in life, and I have to explore other things I also might be good at while I still can. Moreover, I miss doing research and being 'forced' to think critically, to analyze things and such. I miss reading about theories and recent discoveries. I miss having passionate dreams and making plans - both the impracticable and the well-thought-out one.

So I reassure myself: One year is enough. The happiness I felt from working might be abundant, but there is something else that I want to achieve. So I have to make the best of this year, and then stop being complacent, and start learning something else.

"I understand that you want to do a lot of things right now. It's like you're fasting for your whole life, and now you got an opportunity to only eat a plate of food that you chose," said someone who once interviewed me for a job, knowing that I must have wanted to do a lot of things in life, since I've just graduated.

Well, I do have a lot of things that I long so much. I want to be a psychologist. I want to be a professor who are admired and loved by her students. I want to be the only specialist in Islamic psychology in Indonesia, especially in Islamic parenting. I want to teach and educate people. I want to be the person who is respected because of the knowledge she has. I want to work with children and help them to make their future better. I want to make a family psychological clinic in a big mall. I want to make a school that teaches every thing I values in life. I want to be a loving wife who has time to support her husband. And more importantly, I want to be the perfect mother who will always be there to educate her children.

But you know what they said? 

You can be anything, but not everything. With hard work, I can achieve some of the things that I dream of, but not all of those.

For instance, being a good wife and a good mother contradicts with being the-bright-professor.

Some feminist might say that a woman should pursue her dream and never worry about her role as a 'woman'. Some say that don't worry to not get a man to spend your life with, because there will always be a man who is not afraid to stand beside you, not only in front of you. But for me, the most important role that I will have in the future is being a mother and a wife. And if I exert myself to succeed academically, such as by getting a PhD in psychology, I might not be able to be a good wife and an outstanding mother - in a conservative way.

I thought my dreams are specific enough. But no, I still have to narrow it down. Which one is going to be on the top of my priority? What kind of psychologist do I want to be? Will I be focusing on parenting and Islam, or change it a little since I'm also have a big interest in special kids? Which one should I prioritize, being a psychologist (which mean I have to continue my study here), or being a specialist in science first (so that I could find scholarship and study abroad)? How many more years of my life should I spend to reach my dreams? When do I have to stop and focusing on my family? I still got a lot of things to figure out.

I will be in my twenties in a few months, so I have to start making a (more) tactical plan, and things has to be more settled by then.

And I wish Allah's still willing to give me more and more blessings, because I can do nothing without them.

Good luck on chasing our dreams! :)

This Week

Besides working 8 to 5 in a company, I also tried something else during this holiday: working in a training company. I worked as an associate facilitator for a corporate leadership training, and I liked it. I realize something: My passion is actually in helping out people in order to make them a better person. It's in developing people; whether in clinical setting, educational / classroom setting, or even in corporation-training setting (as long as it's about self-improvement). It feels really good to help people realizing their potential and do better.

"Which one do you prefer, here (in training) or being a teacher?" My mom asked me.

I liked both, but since I'm a fresh graduate which means I don't have an expertise in anything yet, I prefer being a teacher, because I would get more role and more challenged. Moreover, I prefer working with kids, because then I don't have to be afraid of being judged. Being a facilitator in a training with inspiring, experienced, smart, famous trainers has its perks, though, and one of them is to get more chance to be reminded. Everything that are told to the client is also applicable for me. So listening to the trainers repeatedly, over and over, will always remind me to be a better person myself. For instance, during those two days, I got reminded to work compassionately - to work my best without demanding something in return. I also got reminded to not limit myself, and to not be complacent (satisfied with what I'm doing right now). Because we can, and we should, do more.

The point is, it feels good to know that there are options out there for me, and they're not so bad. I graduated from a major that provides options that are suitable and intriguing for me. And it feels good to get the chance to explore few of them.

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By the way, I lost my phone in a bus. I'm a gadget nerd (an android nerd, to be precise), so losing a cellphone broke my heart and ruin my whole week, especially because a few days before, I worked all day to install a custom ROM and my phone has turned into a much cooler, faster phone. I also got sad because it's the most decent phone that I've had in my entire life, and also the first phone that I bought with my own money. And I don't have a lot of money to get a new one that is as good. But nothing I say or do will get it back, so I guess I just have to let go.

To Work, Passionately

I got a whole month of free days since it's the end of school year holiday, and so I pretty much got nothing to do. I hate that feeling when I have spent too many days doing nothing. Therefore, when a friend of mine told me that a global management consulting firm need a few freelancer to help them out with their project, I'm interested to try. I knew I won't be doing things that makes me cognitively challenged, but I would like to do it anyway. I'm interested to learn how does it feel to be an employee (though a teacher is, in fact, also an employee).  How does it feel to work 9 hours in front of PC. How does it feel to go to Sudirman everyday, being in a train overloaded with commuters. How does it feel to work with hundreds of people in a big building. How does it feel to.... work, even only for a day or two (or maybe more, let's see).

My first day is actually a mess. I don't even have the guts to go inside the train, and wait for the next one instead (which is actually almost as chaotic as the first one). I hate the work, I don't feel good about myself while doing it, and I feel so tired when I got home. Nevertheless, I came back to spend another day, because I despised myself for giving up too easily. On the second day, I already know what to expect, so I told myself to be stronger. There are a lot of people who don't enjoy what they do for a living, but they can deal with it. So why can't you? 

When you lower your expectation and had been through something really bad, something good will happen, I assure you that. At the second day, I start observing around, and looking for the silver lining of  'working at a company'.

And I finally get it. I get why thousands of people are willing to get up early, go through pretty much the same morning hassle everyday, work all day, and got home late. It could be the money, or the pride. It could be the lifestyle. It could be the social life, which I found really appealing. It could be the rush. It could be the satisfying feeling when you got to do something more than targeted, get a bonus, be promoted, or else. Those are gratifying and self-fulfilling.

Nothing is ever a waste, including doing something I know I won't like doing. At least I learned to do and to finish what I'm responsible for, even when I don't feel like doing it. I learned how to be tough and independent, and how to cope with a nerve-racking morning and evening. I learned how to be flexible. And most of all, I learned how to be thankful for finding the right place where I never really feel like I'm working. 

After today (or, after working in a company for two days - and make a conclusion from it), I think working in a company, even by doing something administrative (which I disrelish doing) is actually bearable. I can mention a few things that I enjoyed. In other way, if I'm obligated to do it, I can still survive and won't be so distressed - as it's not as bad as what I thought previously. However, I won't be fallen in love with it. It's not something that I will tell people around passionately. It's not something that can make me woken up every morning with such excitement. It's not something that I will exceedingly miss doing during my holiday. It is not something that I am passionate about.

But here's the thing: Some people don't have (or don't use) the chance to go where their passion is. 

So when you do, and you're sure about it, don't ignore it. Just go through the right path (the one where your heart told you to take), and find a way to make it able to fulfill your need (financial need, esteem need, or anything else - you name it).

Keep doing something you're passionate about, and you will never work for the rest of your life.

Dream, Postponed

 It's official: I won't be a psychologist for (at least) another three years. I will continue being a special education teacher for another year or two, and continue getting my master degree after. To be honest, I still feel weird about not doing what I exactly planned to do, since I am a little rigid on that, but I am sure that this is for the best - that this is what I need the most. As I told everyone, working here gives me abundant things to learn. It also gives me joy (I'm pretty sure everyone that I have already told about my work to can 'read' it from the way I tell the story). I feel really comfortable working here. The teachers are all nice to me and not think of me as a 'new-kid' or treat me like an outsider, the kids are all amazing in their own way and got me in love with them at the first sight (or in this case, at the first observation), the school is not so far from my house and has great facilities, and so forth. I've adjusted myself, and for now, I can say that this is the workplace to work right after college that I've been dreaming of. I couldn't ask for more.

The teachers

The girls

Things will get more challenging starting from July, though, since I will be a teacher (not a teacher assistant anymore) and have my own class. I dare myself to be a great teacher even when I'm still new at this, so I know I must read some books on how to face a challenging child in the classroom, and how to transfer knowledge to those who have difficulties. From that moment, I have to be responsible for everything. I also have to be able to face parents with different values and personalities, and learn how to discuss their children with them. Next year will be both exciting and challenging for me. Hopefully, anything I'm going to go through can make me a better psychologist and even a better person in the future :)