Reminisce, and Be Proud!

I just read some old posts I wrote in this blog during high school, which I changed into drafts a year ago to make it private. I realized how silly I was. Too blunt, too naive, too frank. Too hopeful, too expressive. Trying too hard to write in English, and ended up not doing it the right way. Treating the blog like a personal diary, with too much, way too much personal information written, and unnecessary things to be shared as well. Blabbing about the boy I like, although I know he is going to read it anyway. Too impulsive, too childish. Too high school. And whenever I read it, I feel ashamed that I used to think like that.

I wanted to delete all of them, but then I remembered how I regret tearing up my childhood/adolescence diary (after being so sure that my mom read it), because I cannot remember some details of my life afterwards. And after doing it a few times, I realize that learning about your old version is a good thing, because you will now how much you have changed. It feels so good to know that you have changed in the way that you always wanted to. It feels so nice to realize how passionate you were to be a person you are right now.

Give yourself a break. Sometimes, when we are heading to a place far, we also need to make sure how far have we left. Our goal might still be far, but maybe we have been through a long trip already. Look at your old journal, read some essays you wrote more than two years ago, find some notes you have written about what did you want for your future self. Reminisce the memory. Then compare and analyze. Some of them might not change and might not turn out the way that you wanted to be, but you will find out that you're heading the right way. And you will be so thankful that you are.

Give yourself a break. Don't be too hard on yourself. It might still be a long, winding road, but hopefully, a few years from now, your future self will be even better than your present self.

Take it easy. Stop saying that you're not doing things well enough. Stop giving the pressure to your self. Reminisce, and be proud of yourself.

Of course by now you know that it's myself that I'm talking talking to, right? But it could also relate to you, if you ever feel the same way.

Chase everything that's on your list, but be easy on yourself.

A Felicity

Letting the butterflies in with no expectation. It's been a while!

Just enjoying the sensation after realizing that I have forgotten about it for quite a long time. How nice it feels, how it makes your days, how it turns you back into a child, how it cultivates your needs for stalking, how it drives you insecure, and how it makes you think about something you're not supposed to think - because keeping the expectation low is the best way to keep the happiness stayed.

"Good luck, don't you feel so bad.

Just don't get your hopes up," Sondre Lerche said.

Good luck, good night.

Frankly Speaking

"Lo mah enak ya Yas, tinggal minta jodohin sama nyokap."

"Ya gue kan pengennya juga yang nggak se-kayak-lo gitu Yas, ketinggian juga."

Frankly, I have doubts too. I have apprehension that things won't go as I planned. That I will end up doing something I always said I will never do. That I am just not good enough for those who I perceive as good enough for me. That I have unattainable expectations.

I have questions, too. The "what ifs" one. The "why is my life so easy - was He planned something all along" one. The "am doing the right thing" one.

Because, really, who knows if I'm just being too naive. I have faith that I'm doing the right thing so He will grant me my desires, but who knows?

"Laa hawla wa laa quwwata illaa billaah."

That's actually all I can say right now.

However, as my belief always keeps me going, I still believe that I will always get astounding things because no one knows me better than Him. That, in this case, someday I will meet someone I've been praying for. Not now, but in the right time.

Hopefully i'm still realistic and not being too naive.

Don't lose your faith just yet.

About Being A Special Education Teacher

It's tiring - exhausting. It requires a lot of patience. It demands creativity and flexibility. It somehow gets you confused, because it turns out that teaching four kids with different strengths and weaknesses are arduous. 

It's bewildering, because the strategy that works on the theory you learned might not work on some kids. It pretty much drains thought and energy.

Yet seeing that look on their face, listening something popped out of their mind, and spotting them doing something unpredictable, those are satisfying.

And seeing them progress and be better each day is priceless. It is worth every drops of sweat.